


Remember the Sky

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-22
Updated: 2015-03-14
Packaged: 2018-02-09 22:18:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 23,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2000025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU: Mechanic, Dean Winchester meets Castiel Novak at a bar and hits it off.  What Dean considers the best night of his life, Cas has something else to say.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First fic on AO3, so I'm not sure if this is going to be looked at. basically a test. Testing 123.

Dean Winchester was never going to remember his keys. They were tucked away in his locker in the break room. Making sure he carefully disarmed the security system, he ran back through the auto body garage and fished his keys out from his locker.  
Such a stupid thing to forget. And he did it every fucking time. Rufus, one of his bosses, and Benny Lafitte, the other mechanic working that night had to wait for him to make sure the shop closed up properly.  
Dean came out jingling his keys in front.  
"Boy, the day you remember your shit- I will already be dead." Rufus grumbled and stumbled into his truck.  
“See you later.” Dean waved as his boss pulled out of the parking lot.  
“Same time?” Benny asked and leaned against Dean’s car, his most precious possession.  
Dean nodded. He and Benny have been going to the same bar, every Saturday night, for the last year.  
“I’ll be there.”  
“It’s on me tonight.” Benny laughed and straightened his cap before getting into his pick up.  
Dean waved again and slipped into the drivers seat of his ‘67 Chevy Impala. He picked a cloth from the backseat and wiped his greased and grimy hands on it before letting his fingers run over the steering wheel. They slipped into the exact grooves they had been using forever and Dean pulled out of the mechanic shop.  
He stopped at a grocery store for a bag of chips and a root beer before heading over to the pub.  
Harvelle Roadhouse was a dimly lit tavern that had the best tasting beer from around the area. The owners, Ellen and Jo Harvelle personally knew them. Ellen was a hard ass lady with a kind heart. Her daughter, Jo was a hot blonde with a bite much louder than her bark.  
Dean pulled into the lot an hour earlier than usual. Benny was probably still in his crappy apartment, feeding off freezer breakfast burritos and stale farts.  
He shrugged out of his work shirt and instead pulled on an old plaid button up and his favorite leather jacket. He shut the car door and felt something bounce on his chest. He looked down and quickly stuffed his necklace back down his shirt where it’s supposed to be.  
Now he can finally enjoy a beer in peace. He walked in and took a seat near the middle of the bar. It was a bit busier than normal, but in the next few minutes would probably pan out.  
“You’re here early.” Ellen scurried by to grab a new glass.  
“Nothing to do.” He grumbled and looked down the line. Four other men were seated at the bar. Ellen smiled and reappeared with his usual.  
“Well, you know you are always welcome here.” She patted his arm and then smacked the back of his head. “Now get your grubby hands off my countertop. You have been in that auto body shop too long today!” She exclaimed and ran around to get another drink for someone.

The fizz bubbled out of the top of the glass as he let his fingers slip down the neck of the bottle. He slipped his damp fingers on his neck as a desperate attempt at staying cool. The crowd of bodies was starting to moisten the air around him. The music wasn’t shit today. Usually Ellen plays the country radio because lots of the customers like it, but today it was Jo’s turn to choose. The oldies were playing and Dean felt his foot tap against the barstool to the beat.  
However throughout the evening, the crowd dwindled down to just a few people and Dean Winchester was only on his second beer, which was a new one from the back cellar. The new beer tasted like shit, but he wanted to keep his head a little warm and fuzzy, just the way he liked it. His shoulders hunched over the bar stool and focused on the mirror behind Ellen.  
His own green eyes stared back at him. Dean found a hair that was out of place and ran a hand through his hair. He straightened his jacket and went back to his beer.  
A man sat next to him and he grinned.  
"Benny, hey thought you'd never make it." Dean exclaimed and turned on his stool. The man looked back at him. It wasn't Benny. "Sorry, man. I thought you were someone else." He apologized and went back to looking in the mirror, feeling a bit more flustered than before.  
"I know that feeling." The guy said and raised a hand, flagging down Ellen.  
"What can I get you, sweety." She asked, throwing the dishtowel over her shoulder. Her hair flicked back behind her shoulder again.  
"Something light. I don't drink that much." He said, solemnly and stuffed his hands into his red zip up hoodie. She nodded and left.  
Dean probably should've kept his mouth shut and not said another word, but he turned to him. "Then why are you at a bar? Just curious."  
"I don't know. I just want to do something other than sulk in my apartment." The guy said and pushed some raven black hair out of his face. Ellen came back with a bottle, assuring him that it was the lightest beer she had on tap.  
"I can drink to that." Dean offered the neck of his bottle to him, and their glass clinked together.  
"I'm Castiel Novak, by the way." Castiel said and took a swig of the beer. He coughed a bit, but swallowed it with along with the disgusted look plastered on his face. Dean couldn't help but laugh. "You can call me Cas."  
"Dean. Dean Winchester."  
"Hello Dean." Castiel noted, in a deep voice. "I haven't seen you before. I probably wouldn't remember you if I had though." Cas said.  
God his eyes were blue, Dean thought. That kind of blue that could get you lost in a wasteland, trying to decipher exactly what kind of blue they were. Was it blue like a galaxy picture from a satellite, or blue like the ocean next to the sunrise? Dean decided it was the galaxy kind of blue and went back to the conversation.  
"Well, I've got a good memory, so don't worry. We haven't met before." Dean said and finished off his beer. “This your first time at the pub?”  
“I think so.“ Cas looked at Dean and smiled warmly. “I just wanted to try something new.”  
“Well, you came to the right place.“ He looked at the doorway, but no sign of Benny. He figured if it was this late at night, he wasn’t going to show. “Cas-you’re drinking the wrong stuff.” He warned. Dean flashed Ellen a look and she came over again. He ordered a scotch for each of them and she whisked away.  
“I can’t afford-” Cas began.  
“It’s on me.” Dean smiled and watched as Cas tipped the glass up, downing half the liquor.  
“Shit, that’s nasty.” His body shook on the stool and he blue eyes shut tight. Dean followed and let the liquid burn down his throat.  
And just like that, they were talking.  
“So. What do you do for a living, Dean?” Cas implored and twisted in his seat to face Dean directly. His posture was so relaxed and comfortable. Cas’s long and nimble fingers were splayed over his knee and the other hand was swirling the glass.  
“I’m a mechanic.” A quick answer for his question. “Bobby’s Auto Body Shop? Down on Main Street? Ever been there?”  
Castel looked up to the ceiling before deciding that he hadn’t.  
“I work at Anna’s Pancake House on E Street.” Cas stuck a thumb behind him, the opposite side of town.  
“Oh, I’ve been there a few times.” Dean said, and finished off the bottom of his scotch. He went there for Bobby‘s birthday breakfast. “Are you a waiter?”  
“No. I’m in the back. I wash the dishes.” Cas said, very contently. He smiled proudly.  
“Oh.” Dean stated, not knowing where to go from here. “That’s cool.”  
“Where are you from?” Cas asked.  
They talked all night, up to closing time. For four hours, they kept drinking, and talking, and laughing and sharing stories. At one point, Dean felt like it was Benny he was talking to. He let all his stress and worries wash away and he just focused on Cas’s smile. It was so infectious.  
Ellen started wiping down the counter and the two helped put chairs on the counter.  
“You boys better be off. I’m closing this place up in a few.” Ellen said and waved goodbye before disappearing into the back room.  
The two walked out the door and Cas puffed out a ragged breath. They stood on the street corner for a second while Dean checked his phone. Benny sent a text message that said Not feeling well. See you Monday. Dean looked at Castiel, who was rocking back and forth on his heels.  
“Thanks for tonight.” Dean clapped his hand on his back. “You gonna make it home alright?”  
“I was actually going to ask you about that…” Cas smiled, tucking his chin in a bit. “I rode the bus from my house. Could you…?”  
Dean shook his head and grabbed Cas’s upper arm. It felt nice and strong underneath his hoodie. “Come on. I’ll give you a ride. As long as you aren’t an ax murderer.” Dean smiled and felt Cas’s shoulder against his as they walked towards the Impala.  
“God… That’s your car?” Cas’s jaw dropped as he gapped at the sleek body and shiny paint job. The dim moonlight gave enough shine for Dean to see his reflection, and he straightened his jacket into place. One hand through his hair, and they climbed into the car.  
Dean followed Cas’s instructions to his house. They talked some more as the headlights guided the path.  
Eventually after winding through a forested road, Dean pulled off into a driveway with the tiniest two story house. It had white trimmings and a small white picket fence around the front yard keeping in nothing but dust bunnies. Behind it was a massive field full of tall grass and lined with trees around the meadow.  
“Cute house.” Dean started.  
“You should see the inside.” Cas got out of the car and Dean shut off the engine, wondering what could possibly be in this tiny house. It looked perfect for one or two people. Add a kid in there and it would get to cramped.  
A small blue Nissan pick up was parked underneath the hanger. Dean started wondering about the mechanics of the vehicle, just like he did when he saw anything that might roll up into the auto body shop.  
Cas lead him up the front porch and into the doorway. He fumbled with his keys which were all painted a different color.  
“Welcome, to my home.” Cas spread his arms out wide and introduced Dean to his building. “Sorry, it’s messy…” There were post it notes cluttering the entire room but everything was neat and tidy. Cas grabbed Dean’s hand and dragged him to the kitchen. On normal circumstances Dean would’ve resisted contact with people, but he felt so comfortable with Castiel. It was so normal and it felt like he has known Cas forever. Also, it was about one in the morning and he was too tired to resist.  
“No, it’s fine.” Dean said in response to the bit of clutter and went into the kitchen. It had a small eat in table and the most beautiful wooden cabinets. There were post it notes everywhere too. Little things like 425 degrees for pizza. Another post it said Anna coming for dinner this Thursday.  
“What are all these little things?” Dean flicked one sticking out of the fridge that said eggs, shoelaces, and flour. “Why are shoelaces on your shopping list?”  
Suddenly, Cas pushed him against the wall. Dean’s arms hit the sliding glass door and he tried to brace himself against Cas’s strength. Dean slipped his knuckles into the crook of his arm where Cas had to bend to keep him from moving.  
“I keep forgetting them.” Cas breathed into Dean’s ear and started nudging the side of his neck with his nose. Dean could feel his lips grace against his skin but he didn’t try to pull away.  
“Cas,” Dean said, but hardly attempted to push him off. “Cas, I don’t play for your team…” Cas softly laughed and trailed his fingers up Dean’s jacket.  
“Are you kidding? Everybody plays for my team.” Cas said.  
Then at that moment, Dean did something that surprised himself.  
He grabbed Cas’s arms and flipped him around, so Cas was pressed against the wall. He smiled and bent in closer. Dean bit Cas’s lower lip felt a nervous sweat start dripping off his brow. Cas looked down and started working on removing Dean’s belt. Dean unzipped Cas’s jacket and ripped it off his shoulders. They both shrugged out of their clothing and Dean kicked the pile aside, underneath the table.  
Soon, they were spinning in their own little world. The two made their way up to Cas’s bedroom where the lights were dimmed low. The window was open, letting a cool breeze into the stuffy room.  
It felt so good to be with someone this way. Knowing it was just him and Cas in the countryside. Last time he was with someone it was Lisa and that was a year ago. It felt like longer than that though.  
Only the occasional cars on the road outside whizzed by to let them know that they were not alone on this Earth. They became so enveloped in each other’s warmth that it felt like their own little blanket of peace and calm.

Dean opened his eyes to the sunlight streaming in. Castiel was facing the wall, sound asleep. Dean peeked over his shoulder to look at the alarm clock. Another sticky note was posted with Castiel’s work schedule for the next week. He was working Tuesday through Thursday. But the auto body shop opened in half an hour and Dean needed to be there now.  
Dean jumped out of bed and tried to remember where he left his clothes. Under the table, that’s right. He scrambled down the stairs and pulled on his clothes, which needed a wash because they still smelled like grease and sweat from yesterday’s work.  
He found his keys on the table and slipped them into his jacket before running up the stairs to the bedroom. Dean bent next to Cas’s side of the bed and lightly shook him awake.  
“Cas, hey.” His hand felt cold against his bare skin.  
His eyes shot open, and wide with terror. “Oh god!” He screamed, grabbed the blanket and scooted over to the other side of the bed. “Oh god, take anything you want, just don’t hurt me. Please!”  
“Cas, what-” Dean stepped back and held up his hands.  
“How do you know my name?” He trembled in the sheets, still bare naked.  
“Shit, what the fuck?” Dean hesitated, not knowing exactly what to do. “Don’t call the police. Okay? I‘m not going to hurt you. Don’t you remember last night?” Dean asked, looking at the clock. He can’t be late. Bobby would be angry if he was late again this month.  
Cas slowly shook his head. Dean stood, almost frozen on the spot. What are you supposed to do when someone completely forgot the unforgettable night?  
Dean fidgeted with his jacket collar nervously. “Uhh, you got a paper?” Castiel nodded and jumped to the side table drawer. He grabbed the leather bound notebook that was sitting there and ripped out piece. He handed Dean a pencil as well.  
“Call this number after 4 today.” He wrote down his cell number and handed it to Cas.  
“I’m working today though.”  
“No you aren’t.” Dean pointed to the work schedule posted next to the alarm clock. “I’m assuming that is for this week.”  
“Oh. Oh yeah.” Cas said, his face screwed up. “Okay. Then you will explain what happened last night?”  
Dean grinned a bit. “We got a little drunk last night, if that helps.”  
“Shit.” Castiel smiled sarcastically.  
“I gotta go. Call me though-” Dean ran down to the Impala and skidded out of the driveway. In his rearview mirror, he saw Cas at the top window, wrapped up in the linen watching him disappear.


	2. Chapter 2

The spedometer kept going up and up as he winded around every corner. He almost ran a stop sign on his way to work, but he saw it just in time to slam on the brakes.  
He kept thinking about Castiel. He was such a mystery. Completely sexy one night, and appalled at the other partner in the morning.  
He got to work late, as usual but Bobby didn’t have the energy to yell at him. It was a Sunday and it’s usually slow.  
“You’re late… Again.” Benny scolded as Dean came out to work on a car. He started checking the engine and running the basic tests on it.  
“Yeah I know. I had a late night.” He said, trying to change the subject quickly. “Where were you last night?”  
“Busy. My daughter was in town. She unexpectedly showed up last night for a drop in.” Benny’s daughter lived a few hours away. Dean had met her once or twice when she came in town. She seemed to have her life together. She owned a restaurant which was a big hit with the locals in her town. “It sounds like you had fun though.”  
Dean absently nodded, and started looking at the brakes.  
“What’s with you?” Benny asked, wiping his hands on a cloth.  
“Just tired.”  
“Too much romping in the hay last night?” Benny laughed. Dean wanted so badly to smile, but he just couldn’t. Last night was the best night he’s had in a while, but this morning ruined it. Why did Cas not remember him?  
“Just drop it, Benny.” He warned and hoped he wouldn’t press farther. Benny didn’t say a word. He simply shrugged, straightened his cap and went back to work, quietly whistling to the radio.  
Dean tried to focus on his work, but he had the burning sensation that Cas was calling him. Every second he had the dying urge to check his phone to see if he hand any messages.  
Eventually, 4 o’clock came around and by that time, Dean was sitting in the Impala, waiting for Benny and Bobby to leave the parking lot. As soon as Bobby’s old truck turned the corner, Dean pulled out his phone only to find out that no one had tried to contact him.  
With a sigh, he dropped himself into the driver’s seat and started on his way home. Halfway home, he checked his phone again.  
“Damnit.” He smacked the wheel angrily. Once he calmed down a bit, he felt eyes on him and looked to the car next to him. The old lady in the van next to him frowned, a little scared about what was going on in Dean’s car. He forced a smiled and held up a hand, waving at her. She looked back at the road and Dean wrapped his fingers around his cell, his knuckles turning white.

A few hours later, Dean was laying on his bed, watching the fan go around, around, around, around, around. It felt as if every time the fan circled, Dean was loosing a brain cell. If no one needed him to move, sooner or later he would go insane.  
One minute it was 6:13, the next it was 8:48.  
Tick. Tock. Tick. Ring.  
Dean jumped from his bed and ran to where his phone was charging in the living room.  
He didn’t want to sound to eager, so he took a few breaths before and answering.  
“Hello?”  
The other voice on the line sounded just like Cas from last night, only he didn’t have much of a bounce in his voice. “H-Hello? I was supposed to call this number at 4 but I forgot.”  
“Yeah, you got the right number.” Dean blurted quickly.  
“Uh… Can I ask whose number this is? I just have the number, there’s no name…” I could tell Cas was hanging his head on the other line.  
“It’s Dean. From yesterday? Why don’t you remember me?” Dean gripped the phone with both hands.  
“Uh… Okay well, Dean, can I meet you somewhere? Then we can both explain some things.” Cas said with an inflection in his voice that somehow oozed confidence. “Can we meet at the Harvelle Roadhouse?” Something in Dean broke. He couldn’t tell if it was his heart strings, or his confused brain, but something snapped. “I haven’t ever been there and it’s a short drive from where I live.”  
Dean nodded and his other hand dropped to his side.  
“Dean? You there?”  
“Yeah.” His throat felt dry and raspy. “Meet you there at 9:15.”  
They hung up and even though Dean felt heartbroken, he locked up the apartment and started the Impala.

Once again, he found himself sitting at the bar. Ellen gave him a strange look when he gloomily asked for a beer. She was about to ask him why he was here on a ‘not usual day’ but he dismissed her with a wave and she left to help a garrulous drunk on the other end of the bar.  
“Dean?” Someone said. He swiveled in the bar stool and looked at Benny. He was clean shaven and was standing with his daughter, Elizabeth.  
“Benny, hey. Elizabeth, good to see you again.” Dean said, and shook her warm, soft hand again.  
“Dude. We’re drinking buddies! Why are you here alone?”  
“I’m uhh… Meeting someone.” Dean said, and kept an eye on the door like he has been doing ever since he walked in.  
“Nice! Who is it? That same someone you meet last night?” Benny said and his daughter left to go ask Ellen for a drink.  
“I don’t want to sound like an asshole, but could you please just-I don’t want to talk about it.” Dean said and raised his eyebrows. Benny grinned.  
“Yeah, I’ll get out of your business. I’m taking Elizabeth out for a drink before she has to head home.”  
“Enjoy.” He tried a smile and Benny clapped his back.  
Dean waited for three more agonizing minutes before Cas walked in through the doors. He was wearing the same red hoodie from last night, and weathered down jeans. He looked around the bar for a second before he locked eyes with Dean.  
“Dean. It’s good to meet you.” He held out a hand. Dean didn’t take it, but instead let him sit in the exact same barstool that he sat in yesterday night. “Okay, I was wondering explain what happened last night, and why you were in my house this morning.”  
“Oh, so you do remember that?”  
“No, just that you were there and…”  
“Good God, you are so fucking weird. What kind of game are you playing?” Dean tried to not let his anger get the best of him, but his temper was wearing thin.  
“Please don’t raise your voice with me.” Cas said calmly. “Do you want me to explain first?”  
“Sure. Go ahead Cas.“ He slapped his palms on his knees forcefully. “I hope you don’t fucking forget.” Dean said and regretted his tone of voice.  
“Do you want the short version?” He asked and Dean nodded.  
Cas tried not to let the hurt show, but he started talking.  
“A few years ago I was in a car accident.“

It was 1 a.m. and Anna was passed out in the passenger seat. Her red hair was pulled back in a ponytail and her head was tucked under against the door. The denim jacket she wore to the concert was draped over her legs to keep warm.  
Cas grinned at his little sister and pulled his jacket tighter around him. Their mother would be here soon. Thank god for cell reception in this deserted parking lot.  
Anna used her phone to look up and see if there were any gas stations near them, but they were not in luck. Funny how the car started not working at that exact moment.  
A pair of headlights flashed the brights three times in Cas’s rearview mirror and he shook his sister awake.  
“Anna, mom’s here.”  
Becky Novak jumped out of the mini van, and ran up to the side of the car. Cas got out and hugged her. She grabbed her daughter and hugged her tightly.  
“Thank god you two are safe! I was worried that you pulled off to the side of the highway!”  
“Let’s go home. I’m tired.” Anna suggested.  
Their lovely mother pulled the van onto the highway and stepped on it. They were going faster than ever, racing home.  
“Where’s Dad?” Cas asked.  
“You know your father. He’s working. He says he’s almost done with that novel.” Becky said, grinning in the light moonlight. Her age wrinkled on her face in a kind way.  
“Oh.” Cas said.  
“You can go to sleep, honey.” She said. Cas looked behind him in the back seat where Anna sprawled her legs on the back of his chair.  
“Okay.” He took the invitation to close his eyes but he never actually fell asleep.  
There was a bright light, a scream and then Cas’s body felt like it was being pushed through a cheese grater. His blood was being strained from chest and his body parts were being tossed in a salad. And that was the end of Castiel Novak.

He awoke to a hospital bed. Anna was sitting next to him in a plastic chair, reading out loud. Her curly strawberry hair was stringy and it looked like she hadn’t slept in weeks. The dark bags under her eyes didn’t help either. His older brother, Gabriel, was sitting next to her, gripping her shoulder. The usual trickster and joyful expression was replaced with heartbreaking pain and anger.  
“…Ga-Gabriel.” He gasped, his tongue scraped against the inside of his cheeks like sandpaper. He tried to move his fingers which were clasped tightly in Anna’s palm.  
After the doctors did numerous tests on him, he was surrounded by his family, which consisted of only his sister and his father.  
“Cas is still recovering from the surgery.” They explained to him what happened. How he arrived at the ER in critical state, went into the operating room with very slim chances. How they took a part of his brain, and how he was now going to have trouble remembering things. They told him how he slipped into a coma after the surgery and stayed like that for a few weeks, probably developing brain damage in the process. How his family was ready to take him off life support in a week if there was no change in his condition.  
A week later he was released from the hospital. He arrived home with half his memory and a weak body.  
He missed his own mother’s funeral, and found out his father never actually finished that novel he was writing. He found out Anna was living back a home, taking care of their father who shut himself in his study, desperately typing a new storyline each day. His beard grew out and he barely ate. When he did come out of the room, Cas would be sitting in front of the TV in the living room, calmly potato chips, trying to remember what happened a few hours ago.  
It went on like that for two months, until one day, Cas gathered the strength to go talk to his dad.  
He opened his father’s bedroom and knocked on the threshold.  
“Dad.” Cas whispered, pushing back a lock of hair that needed to get cut. “Dad?”  
His father continued to pour over the keyboard, his fingers flying.  
“CHUCK!” Cas yelled and his father looked up from his writing.  
“Cas, is everything alright?”  
“I can’t remember Anna’s number.” Cas whimpered and slumped against the wall. “I can’t remember Mom’s voice.” He cried. He cried like a baby and his father couldn’t help but cry with him.

“After another month of that, I had to get out.” Cas scratched his fingers against the countertop, tracing the grain underneath his nail. “I can take care of myself, it’s just that I don’t remember things.”  
Dean bit his lip, suddenly feeling bad for his harsh tone and anger towards Cas. Cas shrugged and smiled at Dean.  
“I have good days and bad days.”  
Dean felt his face soften. Cas asked about what happened last night.  
“Well, we got drunk a bit.”  
“And that’s always good for my condition.” He snapped sarcastically with a brilliant smile. Dean couldn’t help but smile back.  
“We meet right here actually.” Dean said. Cas looked at the barstool and grinned softly. “We talked all night, until closing time. Then, you asked for a ride home.”  
“Ahh” Cas sighed, as if everything was falling into place. He put his palms on the edge of the counter and let his elbows hang.  
“Then… You know… Fast forward to this morning.” Dean coughed and finished off his beer. Ellen whisked it away. The crowd at the bar was dwindling down again. A few people were playing at the pool table, Benny and his daughter were still chatting in the corner, and a few drunks were spilled over their glass at the bar.  
“Can we start over?” Cas asked. “I’m not drunk this time.” He offered with a small chuckle. Suddenly, it felt like their roles were switched from last night. Dean was the strong and confident one, daring to do something bold, and Cas was the shy subordinate along for the ride.  
“I would like that.” Dean said. “I would like that a lot.”  
He leaned in and kissed Castiel passionately. He felt Cas resist, thrusting a hand on his chest to push back, but Dean didn’t take no for an answer. Eventually after a few seconds, Cas melted in with him and kissed back forcefully. It felt real that time. They were both in control of the world around them. It was perfect.  
“God, that’s disgusting.” A snide comment from one of the players at the pool table. He was a bigger guy that was really acing the ‘hick‘ stereotype. “This isn’t a gay bar, buddy! Go home, faggot!”  
Both the boys felt their cheeks ripen to the tips of their ears.  
“Dean?” Benny stood up at the end of his table, but he didn‘t look disgusted. He looked hurt. His daughter stayed sitting, gaping open mouthed. Apparently, this was big news and after two seconds, the entire bar was silenced, watching them carefully.  
“Come on, Cas.” Dean grinned, loving the trill of the chase pumping through his veins. He slapped down a generous tip for Ellen and grabbed Cas’s sweaty hand and dragged him out of the bar.  
“Where are we going Dean?” He was close on his heels and Dean could feel the static run through their joined hands.  
“Your place. Meet you there.” He squeezed Cas’s hand and let go.  
They once again both winded through the forested road. The moon was starting to show over the trees when Dean got out of the car. Cas parked his truck and met Dean in the middle, holding their hands out front.  
“Do you want a replay of last night?” Cas stared hungrily at Deans lips as he opened the front door. As tempting as it was, Dean kissed the side of his cheek.  
“No.” He whispered in his ear. “I want a night you’re going to remember.”  
The pair of them froze in the threshold and Cas looked as if he was going to cry.  
“I want to get to know you again, and you to get to know me again.“ He bit his bottom lip and shut the door once they walked inside.  
“I would like that.” Cas hushed. “I would like that a lot.” Dean crossed a leg over his knee and slapped his thighs. Cas came in from the kitchen and handed him a mug of herbal tea. He folded his legs underneath him and sat next to Dean on the couch.  
“So, what’s the best way for you to remember me?” Dean took a sip of his drink and set it on the coffee table.  
Cas’s face lit up and he sprang up, running out of the room. He returned with a leather journal and a polarized camera. The lamp switched on for better lighting. Cas bent down next to Dean and took a picture of both of them. When the glossy paper printed out, Cas’s head was cut in half, but Dean’s was the centerfold.  
At the bottom, Cas took a sharpie and wrote:  
Dean Winchester  
He flipped it over and had Dean carefully recite his information. He wrote down his cell and work number, apartment and work address, and the date.  
“No, it’s 907, not 917.” Dean pointed to his number. Cas angrily fixed it and finally tucked it in his book. He flipped past tons of faces and information before coming to an empty page where he tucked it in. Cas started to shut it when Dean shoved his fingers in the book and stopped on a few pages.  
“Who’s this?” He pointed to a beautiful red headed woman who looked older than she probably was. Her eyes seemed serious but her smile was charming.  
“That’s my sister, Anna.” Cas said with a lazy smile. “Sometimes on my bad days, I forget everything, and these faces bring my life back.”  
“And I am worth going in your memory book?” Dean said sarcastically.  
“Of course.” Cas said blatantly.  
“Really?”  
“You don’t think so?” Cas asked, setting a hand on Dean’s knee. He lightly squeezed and cocked his head to the side, like a confused puppy. Dean started to say something, but he shut his mouth again. It kind of hit him hard. Was he actually important to someone? “You don’t have to answer…“ Cas silently said.  
Dean sighed heavily and flipped to another name. Cas would explain each one and Dean would listen contently. Some faces he came to, he pulled a blank on them, but eventually he remembered without looking at the name.  
Hell, there was picture of a black cat. The name at the bottom was Buster. Apparently, according to the page, Buster was a neighborhood cat that Cas would feed every month or so.  
Dean stifled a yawn.  
“Are you tired?”  
“I’m fine.” Dean said and stretched his arms out front.  
“Come on.” Cas motioned for him to follow upstairs. He sat Dean on the bed and disappeared into the closet.  
Dean scooted so he was leaning his back on the headboard. He looked at the sheets, still ruffled from last night. Cas came back into the room, half shrugged into his pajamas. He wore plaid bottoms with an old AC/DC shirt which had a post it note on the back shoulder.  
“I’m not drunk this time.” Cas smiled and sat on top the covers, opposite from Dean. He reached over and pulled the post it note off. Need to be washed.  
“Nice shirt.” Dean commented and crumpled the post it, throwing it on the side table.  
“You have good taste.” Cas smiled.  
They stayed in that same position for two hours. Talking. Talking felt so comfortable. Dean didn’t say anything when he had to repeat himself twice. At one point Cas asked where he worked three times in twenty minutes but Dean just answered each time.  
“What do you do for a living?” And, “Where do you work?” And “You said you worked at an auto body shop?”  
“Yeah. Bobby’s Auto Body.”  
Dean asked Castiel questions too and Cas responded thoroughly, but he took a minute to remember each exact detail.  
“I should probably be heading home.”  
“At this hour? You can stay, you know.” Cas stretched his back and little pops from his spine split the air. “I trust you.”  
Dean smiled and pulled off his shirt. Once again he threw it on a pile on the floor and got under the covers. He laid on his back, watching Cas fiddle with the alarm clock.  
“I gotta go to work tomorrow.” Cas said through clenched teeth. “And this piece of shit alarm clock never fucking works.”  
“Why am I so comfortable with you?” Dean asked, realizing that he was laying in bed with someone he just met a day ago.  
“Maybe we met before in an alternate universe.” Cas suggested and laid on his stomach, head buried into the pillow. “And we are just meeting now in this universe.”  
“Yeah.” Dean decided to accept that explanation and let himself fall asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

Dean woke up the next morning and Cas was sitting on the edge of the bed. He was reading his memory book. He was flipping from Dean’s picture, to the picture of his sister. Then to his brother, then back to Dean’s.  
“What time is it?” Dean muffled. Cas jumped, springing off the bed in a hurry.  
“7:25.” Cas said and smoothed his work uniform. He just wore jeans and a printed T-Shirt with the logo of the diner on the back. He then plucked a dirty trench coat from the closet and threw that on his shoulders, like a safety blanket.  
“That’s perfect.” Dean said and pulled his shirt on. It needed to be washed, but it was going to be fine. He had his work shirt in the back of the impala, so he could just change into that when he got to work.  
“I gotta go soon though.” Cas said and stuffed the memory book into his back pocket.  
“Ok.” Dean waved as Castiel darted out of the room without looking back.  
Dean watched Cas’s truck pull out of the driveway and onto the main road.  
Without warning, something burst inside him.  
“What the fuck am I doing!” He screamed at the entire house. He hit it off with a stranger, and now that stranger was trusting him to lock up his house. This was going to fast. What the fuck have I done?  
Dean flew out of the house, making a few sticky notes fly to the ground on his way out. It took the entire car ride to work to calm him down.  
Benny was working with some tools when he walked out on the floor.  
“Crazy night, huh?” Dean asked, trying to avoid the real crazy. Benny stared at him, straight in the eyes.  
“So when you ‘didn’t want to talk about it’?” He questioned with his arms crossed over his chest.  
“Benny…” Dean’s heart dropped. He felt so disappointed in himself and the look Benny was giving him seemed to burn a hole through his chest. “… Benny-I just didn’t know what to say.”  
“No it’s cool.” Benny said. “I’m not going to treat you any differently.” He straightened his cap. “I respect your life choices.”  
Dean nodded thankfully, and went to work.  
Focus on work. He thought as he checked the air pressure in the tires. Not the pretty boy with blue, galaxy eyes. Fix the car. He focused on what was in front of him and by the end of the day, he decided that he needed to talk with Castiel again.  
His shift didn’t end soon enough and as soon as he was done with work, he went to the diner Cas worked at. It was a little thing. Locally owned and had a statue of a moose standing outside, welcoming the hungry people.  
Dean nervously got out of the car and walked into the diner. The kind woman at the front smiled at him.  
“Welcome to Anna’s pancake house!” Her smile was brilliant. “Table for one?” She asked, uneasily.  
“Yes please.” He said and followed her to the table right next to the window. He looked at the Impala in the parking lot. Cas’s truck parked right next to it.  
Dean ordered a slice of apple pie and the waitress left.  
Dean tapped his fingers on the table, thinking about what he was going to say.  
When the waitress came back with his slice, he asked when Cas gets off his shift.  
“About forty minutes.”  
“I’ll take a cup of coffee then.”  
Dean sat there, stirring the creamer into the hot liquid. He read the newspaper. He ate his pie. Hell, he examined the entire menu front and back before Cas sat in the chair opposite him.  
“Hello Dean.” He said with a smile. Cas wiped his brow with the back of his hand and threw his apron on the back of the chair. “What brings you here?”  
Dean shifted in his seat, uncomfortably.  
Here it comes. The words were just going to spill out of his mouth. Right about now. Now. Say something Dean’s brain screamed at him, but he just sat there, speechless, looking like a complete fool in a diner booth with another man.  
Cas stared at him, waiting for him to make a move.  
“Uh… Well, I just wanted to…” He rubbed the back of his hand, and twiddled with his jacket sleeve. Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw Cas’s shoulders slump automatically.  
“You’re having doubts…” Cas laid his palms on the table, not meeting Dean’s eyes. “I knew this was going to happen.” He shut his eyes and pursed his lips.  
“No! I was just thinking…” Dean tried to recover as quickly as he fell, but nothing was coming to mind quickly.  
“This happens every time…” Cas muttered.  
“I was just going to say that things were moving fast, is all.” Dean blurted. Cas stared at him blankly.  
“You mean… You aren’t… Leaving?”  
“Why would I leave?” Dean implored, and pushed his coffee cup to the side.  
Cas shook his head. “Everybody leaves me, sooner or later.” He sunk into the booth cushion. “So you are okay with… Us?”  
“I just didn’t know how fast we were going to take things.”  
“Dean can I just say something?” Cas asked, scooting himself closer this time. Dean nodded. “I haven’t been more sure of anything in my life. Everything seems perfect with you, seems just right. I don’t know what it is, but I don’t want to loose it.”  
Dean nodded, understanding bit by bit. He tried to put himself in Castiel’s position. Someone who could wake up one morning, and forget who they were. Having someone to turn to, someone stable enough to know exactly what to say, someone to keep them grounded.  
“Okay, then we won’t loose it.” He smiled, reassuringly-not exactly sure of who he was reassuring.  
The waitress came back with the check and he handed her his debit card.  
“I’m gonna go wash this.” Cas picked up the plate and coffee mug, whisking back into the kitchen for a few minutes. Dean slapped down a generous tip and went to go lean up against the Impala.  
“Baby,” He said to the car. “I love you.” He tested the words out on his tongue. They sounded meaningful enough.  
Cas pushed out of the diner, and shrugged into the trench coat from earlier that morning.  
“Anna’s Pancake Diner? Is that your sister?” Dean asked when Cas approached him. He nodded.  
“Anna has a few chains in the area. It rakes in a good amount of money. Part of the money she makes goes to me. I hate accepting the help but-” He shrugged. “I could really use it. Pills aren’t cheap, and washing dishes ain’t gonna cut it.” He leaned up against his pick up, which was parked right next to the Impala.  
“I need to go home and take a decent shower.” Dean grumbled. “Call me later though. I’m free this Thursday.”  
Cas frowned, cocking his head to the side. Eventually he gave up and pulled out a little planner from his coat pocket. He flipped to this week’s date and read his notes. God. Why did his eyes have to be so fucking beautiful, even when he was confused and thinking.  
“I can’t. Anna’s coming over for dinner.”  
“I know. I saw the post it note.” Dean chuckled.  
“Was that a test, Dean?”   
“It’s whatever you want it to be.”  
Cas took his hand, and squeezed it.  
“Friday then.” Dean squeezed back.  
“Friday then.”


	4. Chapter 4

It’s been about two weeks since Dean had started seeing Castiel.  
The only person who knew about their relationship was Benny. He hadn’t even told his brother, Sam, yet. He didn’t want to ruin any piece of this peace he had so far.  
It was a Saturday night. He was seeing Castiel so often, but he had to limit himself and make sure he cut out his time for the usual Saturday nights with Benny.  
Jo was tending the bar that night and she brought a round of drinks for the two as they played pool.  
Benny hit the cue ball into the pocket and they both said ‘awwwhhh’ loud enough for the whole bar to hear.  
“I think you’ve had to much to drink.” Dean laughed, cutting them off from anymore drinks.  
“Kill joy.” Benny straightened his cap with a grin and Dean aimed for another ball. “No, I’m stripes!”  
They finished their game and started small talk about the mechanic shop.  
“How you doing anyways.” Benny changed the subject, starting another game. He painstakingly put all the balls in the triangle, shifting them around with his strong fingers. “I hardly ever see you anymore.”  
“I’m good. Staying busy. Ya know-with work and stuff.” Dean’s stomach clenched a bit.  
“Sure.” Benny snorted. “I saw how you looked at him that night.”  
His mouth suddenly felt dry, forgetting how to answer a question. Was that even a question? He couldn’t remember.  
“Yeah.” That was about all he could make come out of his mouth.  
“You want to talk about it?” Benny shot another solid ball into the pocket.  
“Not really.” He said, trying his best to skirt out of the conversation. He hadn’t talked to Benny, or anybody for that matter, about Cas and it was already starting to make his palms clam up. He wiped them on his jeans and hit another ball.  
“Come one man.” Benny pressed again. “You haven’t been focused on anything lately.”  
“I know.” Dean admitted, finishing off the last of his beer. “I have just been busy.”  
“With him.”  
Dean couldn’t figure out if his tone was harsh, indifferent, or sympathetic. Maybe it was a little of all three.  
“Benny, you really got to be like that?” He gripped the pool stick with both hands, knuckles whitening. Benny shrugged and rubbed the back of his neck.  
“I’m just looking out for my bud, ya know?”  
“I came out tonight to have some fun, with my friend. I don’t want to get into this just yet.”  
“I wasn’t attacking you.” He said, defensively.  
“Can we just play some pool?” Dean begged and Benny nodded. Fifteen minutes passed, and Dean was doing really good, until he hit the cue ball into the socket.  
“Damnit.” He hushed.  
“I want to meet the guy.” Benny started again. Dean opened his mouth to warn him not to go down that road, but Benny held up a hand to stop him. “I know, I know. Maybe we can get together for a few beers sometime.”  
“I don’t think that would be a good idea.” Dean blurted, thinking about the last time Castiel got drunk.  
“Why not? Am I gonna scare him off?” He crossed his arms over his chest, his pool stick tucked in by his elbow. He was a pretty buff dude, now that Dean thought about it. He looked like he should be lifting weights, not working in an auto body shop.  
“No, it’s… He and alcohol don’t mix well.”  
“Lightweight?” Benny laughed.  
“Something like that…” Dean trailed off, with a distant grin plastered on his lips.

Once their game was over, the pair started heading to their vehicles and stood out in the parking lot.  
“Seriously though.” Benny said before climbing into his car. “I gotta judge ‘em for myself.”  
Dean nodded and tipped his head goodnight, climbing into the Impala.  
“Hey Baby.” He greeted, sliding the key into the ignition. He turned his phone on and checked the messages.

I know you are out with Benny, but can you tell me if I left my coat at your apartment?

It’s on the banister at the bottom of the stairs

He waited for Cas to reply before starting the car. Thirty seconds later, Cas was probably off the couch and down the stairs when Dean’s phone buzzed.

_That’s embarrassing…_

_Don’t mention it_

Dean had to smile at himself on his way home.  
He took a shower, started a desperately needed load of wash, and threw himself into the recliner positioned in front of the television. He picked up a nearby blanket, throwing it over his chest.  
God, it still smelled distinctly of Cas.

He visited yesterday for Dean’s lesson on early horror movies. It ended up with Cas slipping his head onto Dean’s shoulder for the last half of the movie.  
Dean was alone for the suspense of King Kong. Alone except for the fact that the patch of warmth next to him slipped under his arm, and eventually laid his head into Dean’s lap. He put a hand through the thick, black hair and focused on every strand his fingers came across, instead of the damsel in distress on the screen.  
“Cas, you awake?” He asked the lump curled up next to him. He chuckled and grabbed a blanket from the floor, throwing it over Cas. He didn’t move, but he could’ve swore he saw him smile.

Dean inhaled deeply. It smelled like sweet coffee, his sweat from the day’s work, and the strange mix of mint toothpaste.

_What would I do without you_

It wasn’t a question, but Dean answered anyways.

_I don’t know. Night Cas._

The next day, Castiel was waiting for him after work. Dean got off early that evening, so he didn’t have to introduce Benny to Cas just yet.  
“Returning the favor?” Dean asked, remembering his unexpected visit at the diner a two weeks back.  
“I thought we could go to a movie. I already made reservations, so you can’t say no.” Cas smiled at him  
“Which movie?” Dean asked, shrugging into his favorite leather jacket.  
Cas stared at him, blankly, almost cursing Dean for asking the question.  
“Fuck, I can’t remember.” He clenched his fists, looking at the clear, blue sky. Dean has noticed that when Cas can’t remember something, that’s exactly the face he pulls. Blank and then anger at himself washing over his face.  
“It’s okay, we’ll find out together.“ He clapped a hand on his shoulder, and let it fall back at his side. “Do you remember the time?”  
“I actually wrote that down.” Cas said, pulling a post it note from his zip up hoodie. The movie started at 6:45. They had about two hours before they had to be there.  
“Dinner?” Dean suggested, holding out his hands.  
“Starving.” Cas grinned, lowering his head, like he wanted to remember that smile for the worse of days.  
“Give me a second, I forgot my wallet in the break room.” Dean said. “Stay right here.” He tossed his keys to Cas and retreated back into the shop.  
“You forget something again, boy?” Rufus hollered from his office. Dean poked his head in and threw some sarcastic comment right back at him. Rufus shook his head and went back to a stack of paperwork.  
Dean opened his locker, and stuck his hand underneath a plaid shirt piled at the bottom. He fished his wallet out of the pocket of a jacket and shut the locker once again.  
He stopped dead in his tracks as Bobby stood in the threshold of the break room.  
“Dean, are you aware there is someone in the Impala?”  
“Yeah. It’s… A friend of mine.”  
“Never seen him before.” Bobby crossed his arms, and readjusted his baseball hat.  
“New friend of mine.” Dean corrected, letting his fingers run over the doorway. He knew that wasn’t a sufficient answer for Bobby, his surrogate father, but Bobby let him pass.  
“I know you ain’t telling me something. Stay out of trouble.” He gruffed, stepping away from blocking the hallway.  
“See you later, Bobby!” He called and strode down the back hallway, out to the main floor, where he hit another obstacle.  
“That him, right?” Benny asked, seeing Dean out of the corner of his eye. He wiped his hands on his cloth that was tucked in his back pocket.  
“Yeah.” Dean stood next him, looking out the window at Castiel. He looked so comfortable in the passenger seat of the Impala. Almost too comfortable. His feet were propped up on the dash, and he had his head, lolled against the window. He left him there for two minutes, and Castiel had already fallen asleep. Even though Cas’s shoes were on his Baby, Dean smiled to himself, trying not to let Benny see.  
“Go have a good night.” Benny snorted, turning his back on the scene, going back to working on another car.

Dean yanked the door open, and Cas startled up right in his seat.  
“What, were you raised in a barn? Shoes off the dash.” Dean scolded lightly.  
“D-Dean… What? Where am… Why am I in your car?” Cas said, hands fluttering around, trying to grasp something that made sense at that moment. Dean had seen that look before.  
“Don’t remember?” Dean asked him. Cas shook his head, with a sad glare. He tried to keep Cas calm as he explained they were going out to dinner and a movie.  
“What time?”  
“6:45.” Dean slipped his hand, sure Benny couldn’t see it from the window if he was still watching, onto Castiel’s knee cap. He massaged little circles, feeling Cas’s bones underneath shift with each circle.  
“Okay.” Cas breathed, inhaling deeply, just like he always did when he got out of it for a second.  
Dean waited a minute for Cas to nod to him, giving him permission to go. “And no, I was not raised in a barn.”  
On their way to Dean’s favorite burger joint, Cas started slipping back into the comfort of conversation. They talked about their day, and the cars that came in the shop that day. Dean could tell Cas was hardly interested in motors and their functions, but he put on a brave face as Dean started talking about some of the prize cars and shit cars that came through the shop. As long as Cas had something in his mouth, he could put on a tolerating smile at the right times, making Dean feel heard.  
Cas pushed his fries around and eventually sank back into the booth, stomach full. Dean reached over the table as he fished through the rest of his food, finishing off what seemed like every grain of salt.  
“That’s disgusting.” Cas smiled at him. “How can you eat so much?” Dean grinned at him through a mouthful of food. He shrugged, and almost chocked when he felt a foot creep up his thigh. It rested on the inside of his leg, and the smile on the other mans face was content.  
“Getting a little risky there, Cas.” Dean scolded lightly, but he liked the reassurance that someone else was with him. He pressed his legs together, trapping Cas’s shoe between his thighs.  
“Real funny, Dean.” He said in his gravelly voice. “Lets go, we’re gonna be late for the movie.”  
The movie wasn’t that exciting. Standard action movie with fighting and a happy ending. Except the main character almost died, but they couldn‘t remember the storyline exactly. They sat in the back of the theater, Dean slipping his fingers into Cas’s. Their palms were pressed together the entire time, and Dean didn’t pay much attention to the screen when Cas tilted his head towards Dean’s kissing him slowly.  
They only made to much noise once, when Cas moaned softly during the death scene. A woman turned around to yell at them, but when she saw their hands intertwined, and their faces close, she turned right around with a surprised face. Dean simply chuckled lightly, sucked on Cas’s bottom lip and pulled him closer to lay his head on his shoulder. He had to hide a hard one on the way out.  
Dean dropped Cas off back at the auto body shop, where his truck was parked in the emptiness of the street.  
“Text me when you get home.” Dean called as Cas made his way around the car and to the drivers side.  
“You worried about me, Winchester?” Cas teased in a deep voice, letting his arms rest on the rolled down window.  
“Only when you leave.” He blurted, gripping on to the steering wheel with both hands.  
“I don’t really know what to say to that.”  
“Me either. I just hope you don’t forget it.” Dean could feel the chick flick crap crawl out of his throat, but he couldn’t stop it. Cas just looked at him with a strong expression. He couldn’t tell if it was confusion or lust.  
Cas dipped his head into the Impala and devoured Dean in one smooth swoop.  
Lust.  
When Cas pulled away, forcing Dean to push down a sudden urge to pull him into the backseat.  
Cas waved his fingers as he unlocked his truck. Dean watched him speechless, holding onto the small scent of the other man for as long as he could before pulling out onto the road too.


	5. Chapter 5

Dean held the phone close to his ear, as if that was going to make Cas closer to him.

“Let’s do something this weekend.”  
“I can’t.” Cas said, through a muffled mouth.

“What are you eating?” Dean smiled to himself, feeling something blossom in his chest.

“I don’t know.” Cas teased. “Pretzels and stuff.”

“Uh huh.” Dean kept his hand on the steering wheel. “So why can’t I see you again?”

“Dean Winchester… I have the strangest feeling that you are already on your way here. So whatever I say isn’t going to change your mind, is it?” Dean heard the bag crinkle lightly on the other side of the line.

“You know me too well.” Dean laughed as he turned onto the winding road, leading towards Cas’s little house.

“… Dean, no talking and driving.” Without a goodbye, Dean was left alone with the dial tone in the Impala.

“I love you.” Dean said. To the car, of course, because who else would hear him? He had to try the words out on his tongue once again. He tuned in the radio and blared some Air Supply, which was a guilty pleasure for when he was on his way to Cas’s.

He parked his car in his normal spot, and lunged up the front steps.

The door was cracked, allowing a faint breeze to sweep in. Cas was wrapped up in a blanket, flipping the stale pages of a book, propped up in his lap. “Do you want this closed?” Dean let the door click behind him before he got an answer.

“Dean, what are you doing here?” Castiel cocked his head to the side. It wasn’t an angry look, just a mixture of confused and that blank stare that he always had on.

Dean was used to Cas doing this. Cas asked for him to call it a ‘reset’. He liked to think as if his brain just had to reboot his system for a second. Dean couldn’t decide whether it was cute or unsettling.

“We were on the phone a few seconds ago. You probably reset again.” Dean hushed out the last part, always feeling guilty for some reason.

“Oh.” Cas nodded and yanked his blanket up to his chin. Now his arms and head were the only thing sticking out. “I made some herbal tea. It’s in the kitchen if you want some.” He lifted his own mug to his lips, sipping on the hot liquid.

Dean threw his jacket on the counter and grabbed his a cup of tea. He went to go settle next to Cas, but got interrupted.

“Shoes.” Cas pointed, without looking up from his book. Dean obeyed and Cas pulled his legs in to allow space for him to sit.

“How’s the book?” Dean asked, pointing to the cover. _The Chosen_ by Chaim Potok.

“Someone pointed out that I reread this one a lot. The relationship between son and father, between the two boys-it’s all quite interesting.” Cas said for-a-matter-of-factly.

“Mmmhmm.”

He caught himself. Again. Staring. He’s always doing that. But this time, he couldn’t seem to pull his eyes away.

His hair was awry, like it always is after a long shift washing dishes, but at the same time it was the perfect kind of ruffled. Cas’s toes crunched up against Dean’s thigh. Barely sticking out of the blanket, all ten of them moved whenever Cas turned a page, which was quite often. Cas would force himself to flip back a couple pages and reread sections, trying hard to remember what happened in order to piece it together for the next chapter.

His eyes were fantastic though. Dean could almost read every emotion the characters were experiences, simply based on the way Cas’s eyes widened and pinched shut. They never stopped being little galaxies, swirling around this wondrous world.

“So, what are you so busy with this weekend, that I can’t see you?” Dean asked, finally after Cas set the book down on the coffee table.

“I have a lot of errands to run.” Cas said.

“Like what?”

“I don’t exactly know. I made a long list on the fridge.” Cas said, sipping on his tea again. He ran a hand through his raven hair and pushed Dean with his pointed toes. “You can tag along if you want.”

“Sure.” Dean ran a hand over Cas’s leg, reaching up to his knee. “I’d like that.” He hissed, now his entire body was snaking up Cas’s blanket.

“Dean…” Cas moaned, throwing the blanket onto the floor and pulling Dean by the collar of his shirt, closer, closer, closer. Dean sucked on Cas’s lower lip, letting the flurry of emotion in his chest take control. They rocked their hips together, in a simultaneous motion, matching each other’s rhythm and breathing.  
“Dean, stop.” Cas said, eyes fluttering shut. After a slightly awkward moment of silence, Cas smiled and dug into Dean’s mouth again. “We should finish this upstairs.”

“Mmm, I like that idea.” Dean whispered into his ear, rolling onto the floor on all fours. He yanked Cas off the couch, and wrapped him in his arms, nice and close. They flew up the stairs, not watching where they were going. Only watching each other.

“I think might I love you.” Cas said, once Dean had climbed on top.

“You think? Or you know?” Dean laughed, breathing in Cas’s warm scent. He slipped his hands underneath Dean’s shirt, cool fingers splaying over his chest in an orderly fashion.

While Dean worked on getting Cas’s pants unbuttoned, Cas started exploring the curves of Dean’s hips, shoulders, and chest. His fingers moved quickly, learning the movements Dean made and the way his body reacted. Dean slipped out of his shirt, and tugged Cas’s sweater over his head.  
“It’s definitely a know.” Cas smiled and arched into another kiss.

“It’s definitely a know.” Dean repeated.

The next morning was a Saturday, and neither of them had work that day. It was a lazy morning. Dean woke up to the smell of burning pancakes. He threw the covers off, thankfully found his clothes close to the bed, and found the kitchen empty, except for the black and charred bread cooking on the stove top. He pulled it off and threw the hot pan on the counter where it clattered in the empty air.

“Cas?” Dean called to the empty house.

“Out here!” A reply came from the front porch. Dean walked the small length of the house to find Cas outside in his pajamas, reading that damn book. His legs were folded underneath him on the planks of the porch, his back bent over the pages that were threatening to blow away.

Dean sighed, and went to sit next to the other man. He sat there for a moment, waiting for Cas to finish the page he was on. Eventually, Cas looked up and met his gaze.

Blue eyes on green, Cas leaned in to softly kiss him and Dean met him halfway.

“How’s the book?” Dean asked, once again.

“I reread this one a lot. I find a lot of topics interesting, especially the relationships portrayed in in the book.” Cas said.

“I know.” Dean pretended that he hadn’t heard that response several times over the last week. He asked anyways, because he loved Cas’s voice.

“Want some pancakes?” Cas asked with an innocent grin plastered on his face.

“Sure.” Dean helped him up and they went into the kitchen together.

 

Cas slipped the piece of paper into Dean’s palm as he started the truck. He whipped the vehicle onto the road as Dean read the list.

“So these are the errands?” He scoffed at the small list.

 

60 watt incandescent light bulb

Socks

Eggs

Milk

Peppers

Bacon

Cheese

 

Dean looked at Cas’s hands, smooth over the wheel, knuckles moving with each twist in the road.

“Pretty good list, huh?”

“Sure.”

“We’ll stop at the hardware store for the light bulbs, then the groceries down the road.”  
“Great.” Dean smiled.

They made their way out of the forested area Cas lived in and Dean slowly slid his hand onto Cas’s knee. They came to a stoplight, and Cas rested his hands in his lap, grabbing Deans fingers and sliding them around in his closed fist. When the light turned green, Cas sped off, one hand on the wheel, one hand with Dean.

In the hardware store, Cas intently stared at the aisle of light bulbs.  
“What kind did I need again?”

Dean shrugged.

“I can go get the list from the truck.”

“Sure.” Cas nodded, still fully focused on two products. Dean rested a hand on his shoulder, letting the keys jingle in his light grasp.

“You gonna be okay for a minute?”

“I’m a full grown man.” Cas threw back with a little grin.

“Okay. I’ll be right back.” Dean left the store, and unlocked the truck. Cas’s memory book was sitting on the dash, and Dean had to shuffle through a small pile of loose leaf papers on the floor until he found the shopping list.

By the time he made it back to the aisle, Cas was no where to be seen.

Dean let the paper slip out of his fingers as the worry started spreading in his chest. With shaky hands, he dialed Cas’s cell number and begged him to pick up. The voicemail started up.

 

_You have reached the voicemail of beeeeeeep I don’t understand, why-why do you want me to say my name? Beeeeeeep._

 

“Cas.” Dean said into the empty tone. “Pick up the damn phone.” Dean hung up and circled the entire store twice before flagging down the nearest attendant. “Excuse me,”

The blonde lady stopped with her tote full of products. He described Cas the best he could, asking where he might have went.

“The one in the blue sweater?”  
“That’s him.” Dean wished she would speak quicker.

“He went that way.” She pointed out the window, down the street to the neighborhoods.

“Thanks ma’am.” Dean said as he darted out of the store and to the truck. He didn’t even stop to adjust the seat that was to tight for his bowlegged stance, but he started on the road again and kept his eyes peeled for a lonely man walking with no place to go.

Dean tediously searched the neighborhood area before going by on of the town factories. He floored the truck through the grounds before leaving. His fingers felt numb as he thought of places Cas could have wandered off in the ten minutes he had wasted looking for him.

“Cas, damnit.” Dean cursed in the car, heading to the only place he could think of.

Cas brought him to a river one weekend, where they spent the sunset making out on the shore, the steady stream of water right next to their toes. The water that lapped on his ankles, knees, waist, then chest as they descended deeper and deeper into the light rapids. Cas had held onto his hand and with the other, Dean traced down his back, farther-

He couldn’t let him get himself caught up in in fantasies. Cas. Find Cas…

He pulled up to the gravel parking area, where Cas might be. Before leaping out of the truck he grabbed Cas’s memory book and started running on the trail, over the hill and to the river.

As Dean reached the peak of the hill, he stood, breathless, looking over the landscape. The river curved twice from where he could see, and on the closest side was a small landing overlooking the water below. Two picnic tables were occupied out of three. One was covered with a checkered tablecloth and had a small family gathered around the benches. The farthest one away was a figure, sitting all alone, hunched over with his hands draped over his knees.

“Cas!” Dean hollered, but he didn’t flinch. “Castiel! Hey!” He resisted the urge to call out some cheesy, romantic nickname so the family wouldn’t get upset. When Cas didn’t move, Dean jogged over to him, his heart pounding in his chest, hoping with all his might that he wasn’t hurt.

When he reached the other man’s side, his fleshed burned with the desire to slid in next to him, where he fits perfectly. Dean couldn’t see his face since Cas was still hunched over, but he could see his trembling hands, which were now clasped together, tightly.

“Hello, Dean.” Cas eventually said without looking up. “I’m sorry I worried you.” Dean looked down at him speechless, ready to move in and embrace his arms around him. It would feel so good right now, for both of them.

When he finally found his words, he didn’t say anything intelligent. “It’s okay. It’s okay…” Which was barely audible, as he sat with Cas on the bench. He rubbed a strong palm on Cas’s back, rubbing circles like he always did when his brother was little. Dean felt each vertebrae as he ran his hand around. Their knees knocked together, so Dean slipped his foot on the other side of Cas’s sneaker, locking them together.

“Please just leave. It would do you a whole lot of good.” Cas mumbled to the grass. Dean looked at where he was staring and didn’t find it in the least interesting.

“You know I can’t do that.”

“Dean, please! It was a stupid idea…”

“You think  _we_ are stupid?” Dean hissed. “Cas _we_ are far from that. _We_ are extraordinary. _We_ are spectacular. We _are phenomenal._ ”

“You deserve someone, something much better.” Cas whispered. “Not me.” Dean sighed and reached into his back pocket, where he stuffed Cas’s memory book. He held it out in his hands, slapping the cover.

“That is something.” Dean bit his lip, holding back tears. Cas reached out, stroking the familiar binding. He flipped to his own page, his own green eyes staring up at him.

Dean got quiet, suddenly.

“My father always told me I wasn’t good enough. I was never going to amount to something, never going to find love. That’s why I left after Sam graduated. A chance to have my own life.” Dean pointed to his page, then the rest of the book, then he put a hand on Cas’s chest. He could feel his heart flutter a bit underneath his touch. “This is worth it.”

Cas chocked on some tears, gasping with a small smile, hands shaking over his face.

“So don’t you dare say I don’t deserve you because we deserve each other… I’ve never said this to anyone, but… I lo-” Before he could finish those sacred words, Cas crushed his lips on Deans. He felt Cas’s soft hands pull his face closer, as if they were going to join faces. Dean let his own fingers rest on the back of his neck, and the other hand on his back, pulling their bodies closer.

“You don’t have to say it. I love you, too.” Cas whispered between a kiss.

 


	6. Chapter 6

Dean was quick to realize that Gabriel was the fun and outgoing Novak. There was no doubt about it but Anna was the stoic and responsible sibling, and Cas was just the Novak who was along for the ride. He met with Castiel’s family for an early Thanksgiving dinner.

Gabriel was the first to swing his arm around his baby brother and the tag-along, Dean Winchester. Anna started feeling more comfortable once she secluded herself to the kitchen, where Cas went to her side to help.

But that was a week ago. Now, it was real Thanksgiving and Dean was ready to show the rest of his family his other half.

“Don’t be nervous. You’re going to be fine.” Dean said as he interlocked their fingers in between the seats. Cas bounced his leg, making the Impala jostle at the intersection.  Dean reached over to slip a hand over his twitching thigh.  With one circle of his thumb, Cas’s tension seemed to dissipate.

“What if I am weird? What if they don’t like me? What if I…  reset ?” Cas articulated the word like taboo.

“Who gives a shit?” Dean asked. “I love you, and that’s all that matters.”

“Well, it matters to me if they think I’m a freak.”

“It doesn’t matter to me, so it shouldn’t matter to them. Sam’s always been a freak, so you’ll fit in.” Dean scoffed at the thought of seeing his younger brother. They had always been close, but he hasn’t seen Sam for a while. His schedule gets hectic when school starts and being a lawyer keeps you busy all the time.

Cas shot him a nasty look but it softened back to a smile. Dean punched the gas hard and Cas’s head flew back with whiplash.

Sam’s house was forty minutes away, and they have been driving for thirty minutes. They were making good time also.

When Dean finally pulled around to Sam’s cul-de-sac, he leaned over and kissed Cas one more time, just as quick touch of reassurance. One of Sam’s neighbors cutting grass gave him a glare, but Cas raised his middle finger over the dash.

“Good lord, Cas, behave yourself with the kids.” Dean laughed and pulled himself out of the car. He looked up at Sam’s one story house. Out front was a god awful looking black mustang. Dea always relentlessly picks on Sam for choosing that piece of shit. With all the money a lawyer makes, Sam made a bad decision with this this. But Jess had a nice mini van for the boys.

“Dean!” Sam called from the front door, a beer in his hand. Next to him, he heard Cas’s breath hitch before slowly exhaling.

“Sammy,” Dean hollered meeting him at the front porch. “You’ve grown.”

“Real funny, jerk.” Sam laughed.

“Bi-” Dean started but Bobby John came running out from the kitchen behind Sam. “-Big guy.”

“UNCLE DEAN!” The kid screamed, and tackled Dean around his girth.

“Bobby, dude!  You’ve gotten really tall since I last saw you.”  Dean ruffled his hair, which was growing almost to his father’s length.

“D-Dean?”  A smaller voice came from the stairwell.  Jess started walking down the stairs with Henry in her arms.  “Uncle Dean!”  He reached his hands out towards the oldest Winchester and Dean gave him a high five, which enclosed the tiny hand in his fist.

“Hey, kiddo.  You taking care of Mommy?”  Dean asked, and leaned over to the beautiful woman, giving her a soft kiss on the cheek.  Jess grinned to the touch, and squeezed Dean’s upper arm.  Henry nodded and started pulling on Jess’s golden spun hair.

“How rude of you to not introduce your guest, Dean.”  Jess scolded with a grin, hoisting Henry higher on her hip.  Dean looked at the uncomfortable Cas, who was shuffling his feet in the doorway, pulling on the sleeves of his festive sweater.

“No need, I’ve heard a lot about you, Castiel.”  Sam reached a hand out, grabbing Cas’s palm firmly.  When Sam shook his arm, Cas’s whole body shook, but the gesture invoked a smile from him.

Sam and Jess introduced their proud family.  Cas made sure to repeat each name twice, even though Bobby John looked confused.

“You know it’s not Christmas yet…”  Bobby John cocked his head, looking at the angels and trees woven into Cas’s sweater. He let a hand run over his own chest, feeling the stitchings and colors. 

“If we live in the present, everyday is Christmas.”  Castiel explained softly to the nine year old.  Cas’s excuse was shit because he really forgot to wash all his clothes last week.

“Whatever.  Want to play xbox?”  Bobby John looked at both Dean and Cas.  Dean sighed, clapping his Sam on his back and then bending down to his level.  Bobby John’s eyes were big and brown, looking intently into Dean’s bright green ones.

“You know I wish I could, but I need a beer with your old man.  Rain check?”

Bobby John nodded, then grabbed Cas’s hand, who remained silent.

“I don’t think you want me, I’m not good at xbox.”  Cas smiled, hoping that would get the small child off.  But Dean knew, Bobby John is very persistent.

“Thats good!  Easier to beat!”  Bobby John pushed some hair out of his face and dragged Cas into another room.  Before he completely disappeared, he pleadingly looked at Dean to save him, but Dean just smiled and wiggled his fingers goodbye.

“Beer?”  Sam chuckled.

“Or three.”  Dean let his shoulders sag and relax as he followed Sam to the back porch. 

"So, what's new and happening with my little brother?" Dean dared to put his boots on the patio table but Sam brushed them away with a strong hand.

They talked forever.  Well, at least it seemed like it, until Sam brought up the topic that Dean had been skirting around all evening.

"So, what's up with Castiel?"  Sam stared intently into his older brother's diverted eyes.  "You two hooking up?”

Dean lifted his head suddenly, the only sounds he could make out sputtered with great confusion.  He felt his palms clam up and his stomach started churning ever so slightly.

Dean opened up his mouth but closed it quickly once he realized anything he was about the say would be a lie, and lying to his little brother is the last thing he wanted to do.

“I’ve known for quite a while.  It’s okay, dude.”

“Since when?”  Dean absent mindedly started tracing letters with the condensation of his beer on the glass counter.

“Since high school.  Just little things you did stuck out to me.”  Sam said and gave him a soft look.  “He seems nice.  You deserve something, someone, nice.”

He is.  He is everything I want.  He is everything I need.  He is every little crack that needs filling in my life.  He is.   Dean thought over and over in his head.   He is.  Cas is.

“No chick flick moments.”  Dean sighed, glad to find an escape from that.  “Bitch.”   
“Jerk.”  Sam laughed and Jess yanked open the sliding glass door.  No doubt, she was watching and probably listening from the kitchen window.  “Hey, guys, ready for dinner?”

“We’ll be in in just a second.”  Sam sighed, running a hand over the back of his neck.  Jess nodded, wiping both her hands on her holiday dress, which Dean seemed to recognize from last year.

If you caught Jess on any other day, she was in sweatpants, lounging in  Dean’s favorite smurf’s tee.  On holidays, she always had on a fitting dress that always flowed around her legs as she busied herself with the kids.  But that was Jess-beautiful no matter what she wore.

Once they settled down for dinner, Sam offered Cas to say grace.  He nodded, and the family joined hands, over the table.

Cas spoke softly while Dean caressed his thumb in circles on the back of his hand.  Dean’s hands were calloused and rough from work at the autobody shop compared to Cas’s smooth skin. working in the warm and welcoming dishwashing water.

Cas finished talking, but he didn’t say  Amen .  Dean opened his eyes and Cas had gone pale white, stone faced, and completely stiff.

“Amen.”  Dean finished for him and Cas exhaled loudly.

Cas eventually looked over at Dean and leaned in close.  His trembling whisper was barely audible.  “Dean...  I reset. ”

Dean sighed, reaching for Cas's hand underneath the table. “Thanksgiving, Sam and Jess,”  Dean  motioned to the two other adults. Sam looked confused at first, but then Jess squeezed his hand, and they both smiled at Castiel.  “Bobby John and Henry. Remember video games?"

Bobby John glanced at Cas with his head cocked, slightly confused.  But Henry was barely able to sit above the table to look around.

Back at home, Cas was lounging on the couch, watching the television channels flip by when Dean came up from behind, and slid his hands over Cas’s shirt.  At first, he stiffened to his touch, but once again melted into the other man’s warm palms.  Dean slid his hands underneath the shirt, down his chest, feeling the rise and fall of his breathing.   
“I have a present for you.”  Dean breathed into his scalp, massaging behind his ears.  Cas promptly switched off the television and flipped himself around on the couch to face Dean.  He smiled up at Dean and played with his collar.  “You left your memory book in the Impala.”  Dean stated and pulled it from his back pocket.

Cas immediately noticed there was something different.  It was a photograph that stuck out of the top of the notebook.  He slipped it out and four smiling faces looked back at him.

It was a picture Jess took of herself with the rest of the family in the background. Sam was helping Bobby John with his math homework and Henry was at the table eating a bowl of macaroni.

“They look so happy.”  Cas smiled, tracing Jess’s smile.

“I added their names to the back so you won’t forget them.”  Dean showed his scratchy handwriting in sharpie.  Before he understood what was happening, Cas wrapped his arms around Dean, pulling him in close.

“I love you.”  Cas smiled, his voice muffled.  Dean smelled his skin, touched his hair, tasted the feel of his lips on his.

“I know.”


	7. Chapter 7

Time was moving way too fast for Dean.  And Cas.  Life was moving too fast.  Things were moving too fast.  But at the same time, not fast enough.

Benny and Dean still met at Ellen’s Roadhouse every Sunday.  Cas brought a slice of pie to Dean’s apartment on his way home from work sometimes.  Bobby John’s soccer games started getting colder and Sam was still busy in the office.  

Christmas time came and went.  Dean’s idea of Christmas was a bottle of vodka and cartoons next to the fire.  He would visit Sam and Jess, but even as a kid, he never had anything special.

This Christmas was busy.  Cas dragged him shopping for Anna, Gabriel, Sam and Jess and the kids, and his co-workers.  He went to Cas’s family Christmas, Sam’s Christmas, the auto-body staff christmas, and on actual Christmas day, he and Cas spent the entire day together by the fire.

And the best present so far, was when Cas realized he was becoming more lucid, and more often.

* * *

 

 

On New Years Eve, there was a light dusting of snow on the rooftops.  After countless times of Benny asking for Dean to bring his “Boy Toy” along, he finally agreed.  Even though he didn’t like the name Benny gave Cas, he figured it was about time for his best friends to meet.

“No alcohol.”

“No alcohol.”  Dean repeated.

“Make sure I have  no alcohol .”  Cas pleaded as he wrapped up in a coat and scarf, his hood pulled tight against the bone chilling wind.  “I don’t want to make a fool of myself.”

“I promise.”

Cas looked at him over the hood of the Impala, his breath coming in short puffs, clouding from the cold around his nostrils.   God damnit, that blue.  Dean thought as he stared longingly into his eyes.  It’s that blue that pushes him  every fucking day to do what he does best.

“No alcohol.”  Cas raised an eyebrow before letting himself flop into the passenger seat.

Dean parked the Impala a block away from Benny's house. He lived with a few high school buddies who were probably a bad influence.

Dean locked the Impala and met Cas at the front of the car.  He leaned in for a small peck on the cheek before intertwining their fingers together.  Cas seemed to be gripping onto his hand harder than usual.  Dean’s arm was pressed so tightly to Cas’s body it felt like he was going to make an imprint on his side.

“Cas, you okay?”  Dean asked.

“Yeah.  Just nervous.”  He shrugged and pulled his hand away.  “You don’t have to…  You know...  If you don’t want to.”

“I don’t have to what?”  Dean placed his palm on Castiel’s cheek, bringing their freezing faces closer.  Cas seemed to shrink into the folds of his coat.  They were on Benny’s porch and Dean pulled his hand away from the doorbell.  The music was blasted to the max, and it seemed to shake the doormat they stood on.

“I’m afraid I’ll be a burden to you and your friends.  I don’t fit in.”  Cas managed a whisper, which was barely audible.   
Dean look at Cas.  He wore a comfortable sweater with tea stains on the sleeve.  His memory book was tucked in the back pocket of his jeans, and his hair was combed nicely, unlike Dean.  He threw on his green jacket and dirty boots that were sitting at the front of the door.  Compared to the rest of the crowd in there, he was right.  There was nowhere for him to fit in.  Except he did fit in-with Dean.

“I’d rather have you, cursed or not.”  Dean smiled and wrapped an arm around the other man. He dipped close to his ear, feeling Cas’s hair brush against his nose. “I love you.”

As if on cue, the door swung open and Benny stood tall and wide in the doorway.  He took one look at Cas and grinned gently.

“You must be Castiel.”  Benny offered a meaty hand.  Cas hesitantly shook it before Benny ushered them in from the cold.

Benny gave them a short tour of the bottom floor and introduced them to a couple people.  Some were lounging with the video games, some were dancing in the living room and a couple were in the garage, planning the firework show.  It wasn’t to crowded, thankfully, so Cas didn’t get overwhelmed with all the moving bodies.

Benny talked with Cas for a bit, introducing him to new people, while Dean went to get them something to drink.

He fished around Benny’s refrigerator for something Cas would want, when Benny came right up next to him.

“Hey, nice party.”  He laughed, clapping his friend on the back.

“Yeah.  Thanks, that’s great.”  Benny straightened his cap and let a hand rush through his stubble.  “Thanks for bring Castiel too, it’s nice to finally meet him.”  Dean had to smile.

“Yeah, he was kind of nervous but I’m glad I talked him into coming.”  Dean grabbed a beer and a solo cup of water.  “Where is he?”  Dean asked.

Benny rubbed his arm and looked at the floor, as if he wasn’t telling him something.   
“Oh, yeah he kind of…  Freaked out for a second.”

Dean set the drinks down, hoping his stomach would stop flipping.  He should be getting used to this, Cas resetting, but everytime it happened, he couldn’t help but get worked up.    
“Is he okay?  What happened?”  Dean looked over Benny’s shoulder and couldn’t see anything other than the dance party in the living room.  “Where is he?”

“Dude, he is a grown fucking man.  I think he can han-”  Benny started with a sigh, but Dean quickly sidestepped past him.  “I think he’s by the stairs.”  Benny called after him.

It seemed like the sea parted for him as he made his way to the staircase.   
“Cas?  Castiel!”  He called from the bottom of the stairs.  A door upstairs swung open and Cas popped his head out.  A weight lifted off his shoulders as he took to the stairs, two at a time.

“Dean!  I lost you.  What are we doing here?”  Cas’s fingers fluttered around the sleeves of Dean’s jacket.  Dean had to force himself from smashing their lips together.  That always helped Cas calm down, but he was sure there were a couple set of eyes on him, even at the top of the dimly lit stairs.

“Cas, you reset.”  Dean explained everything while he hugged Cas, rubbing small circles on the small of his back.  Cas gripped Dean’s shirt, balling it in his hands as if it were the end of the world and that was the only thing keeping from crashing.

“You good?”  Dean asked.  “Cas, hey, Cas…”  He pulled the other man’s body away from him, holding him at arms length.  He kept his head down, not meeting Dean’s eyes.

“I told you I was going to be a fool.”  Cas shook his head, with a forlorn grimace.  Dean slipped his hand up to meet Cas’s cheek.  He lifted his head with his cupped palm.

“I really don’t care.  We can be fools together.”  Dean smiled.  “You want to ditch this popsicle stand?”  Dean glanced at the bottom of the stairwell.  About five people were watching.   Good.   Dean thought.  He looped his arms around Castiel’s lower back, pulling him in closer.  They were so close, he felt as if they would melt together, and he kissed him.

With his little audience it was easily the best kiss in the world, ever shared between to human beings.  It was passionate.  It was loving.  It was the essence of life.  And he wanted more.

Cas pressed closer to him, with his hands gripped in Dean’s cropped hair.  When they pulled away breathless, Dean looked at the gathering down below.

Benny stood at the front of the crowd with what looked like a forced smile.

“Can we go now?”  Cas asked, fiddling with the collar of Dean’s jacket.  Dean took Cas’s hand, leading him down the stairs.  The crowd parted like the red sea.  As Dean passed Benny, who was staring at him with a perplexed glare, he clapped him on his broad, strong, chest.

“Great party, dude.  See you at the shop!”  Dean tugged on Cas’s sleeve, desperately dragging them out of the house.

As they hit the bone chilling wind that nipped at their cheeks, they raced down the sidewalk, breath hot and humid.

“Oh God.”  Cas smiled, sticking the ends of his nails into his mouth, pulling at his sweater nervously.  But still, he was smiling.

“What?  Was that a good  oh god ?”  Dean finished jogging up to the Impala.

Cas opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted by a thundering and vehement, boom.  Dean jumped, reaching a hand out to steady himself.  The sky lit up like a Christmas tree.  Small explosions were coming down the street, only a block away.  It shook the ground, and Dean could feel it from the bottom of his chest.  The colors seemed to stretch like little legs all across the ceiling of the sky.

He looked over at Cas’s face, who was caught up in the moment.  His fingers were lightly touching the corner of his lips.  The blue of his eyes were the perfect backdrop for the colors as he gazed at the sky above.

“I guess it’s midnight.”  Dean shouted over the deafening roar of the fireworks.  Cas didn’t even pause in hesitation.  He pushed him up against the car, kissing him with such affection.  His lips were so soft, Dean could just devour every second.  Dean couldn’t sworn Cas was trying to say something to him, but he couldn’t hear anything over the New Year display and his own heavy breathing.

“Remember the sky tomorrow, okay?  Promise me you will remember the sky tomorrow.”  For some reason, all of this was pouring out of him.  At that exact moment, everything came crashing down for a breathless moment.  “Promise me you will remember me tomorrow morning?  Promise me you will remember the sky?”

Cas pulled away and looked at him straight on.  Now it was Dean holding onto him for support.

“I’m never going to forget it.”

* * *

 

 

He left Cas in his bed, still tangled amongst the sheets.  He wanted more than anything to slid next to his hip, feel the smooth silk of his hair between his fingers, and kiss him passionately, but Dean held himself back.

He padded grey robe to the coffee machine, to the television set, and finally back to the room.  Cas was still passed out after last night, his hair sticking on end, and his toes stretched to the end of the comforter.   
“Happy New Year, Castiel.”  Dean whispered to him.  “I love you.” 

In response, Cas grunted and swiveled underneath the covers before continuing his soft snores.

He left, closing the door quietly and went outside into the brisk morning.  A new year, a new day.  It was about a minute walk from his front door to the mailboxes and he stood out, the sun just above the treetops.  It seemed like everything was asleep, probably because of all the new years eve parties.

Dean forced his keys into the small hole and yanked the door open.  He cradled the mail in his arms and locked the box as he walked back to the apartment.  Cas was still asleep, so he thumbed through the mail at the kitchen table.

He made a couple of piles-Bills, junk, shred.  He reached the last letter and his stomach contracted, almost as if it were collapsing like a dying star.  His fingers felt like they had turned to stone as he held the envelope loosely in his grasp.

He managed a shuddering breath as he opened the letter, addressed to Dean Winchester.  Maybe if he put it back in the mail it could go somewhere else.  Maybe if he shredded it and threw it in the fire, he would forget about it and Cas and more importantly, Sam wouldn’t find it.  Maybe if he denied he lived here, it would go back to it’s return address which was from a John Winchester in Lawrence Kansas.


	8. Chapter 8

Going to the beach, taking a trip to the lake, and spending most of his time with Cas was something to give Dean a distraction.  Life was wonderful, except for that damn letter.  

It was a constant haunting reminder of his father’s attempt to reach out.  It made him sick even thinking about the hand scrawled message.

He knew Cas knew about it.  The day he got it, Cas read part of it over his shoulder when he wasn’t looking.  Luckily, he reset and forgot it within the hour.  But he keeps bringing it up.  Cas calls him out on his moody attitude a lot more, now that the eldest Winchester is on his mind. **  
**

 

 

“This is the last box.”  Dean said, heaving a package into his arms.  The apartment took three days to pack up, and one day to move into Cas’s place.

Cas stood in the threshold, soaking up Dean’s smell. There was a certain smell he had.  He couldn’t explain it well.  A mixture of leather and soap is the only way he could explain it.

Dean wrapped his arm around Cas, holding him close to his hip.  Cas felt Dean’s stubble brush against his forehead, kissing him tenderly.

“This is the beginning of our life together.”

“Are you kidding?  We started that a long time ago.”  Cas twisted himself in Dean’s arms, so his chest was pressed against his own.  Dean looked down on him and crookedly grinned.

“Should we celebrate?  Anna’s?”  Dean suggested, but Cas shook his head.  His fingers started to trace the border of Dean’s body.  Up and around the shoulders, back to his chiseled jawline.

“Nah, let’s just go home.  Our first night in together.”  Cas suggested.

Dean turned his keys into the landlord and then left the apartment complex for good.

Cas followed him in his truck, with a stack of boxes in the bed.  The Impala was pretty packed too.  On their way home, a car pulled in front of Dean, taking a right.  He had to slam on the brakes, in the middle of the intersection to avoid being hit.  Cas came close to rear ending him.  When Dean looked in the rearview mirror, his knuckles were clenched to the steering wheel.

But they just kept driving. **  
**

 

 

After unpacking his boxes, and putting his clothes away, Dean sunk into the couch cushions.  It wasn’t much work.  He kept a good amount of things at Cas’s house in the first place.

He started flipping through the TV stations, and eventually settled on some cheesy horror movie.  Cas eventually came to sit with him, sipping on his cup of tea.  He remembered to bring Dean a cold beer from the fridge.

“You’re an angel.”  Dean smiled, and pulled Cas close to him.  Cas laid his head in Deans lap, letting his toes stretch to the end of the couch.

“I know.”  Cas stretched up to touch Dean’s cheek, gracing it with the tips of his fingers.

They laid on the couch together for a while.  Dean combed his fingers through Cas’s dark hair as he pulled out his memory book, flipping through the pictures and information.

They laid like that for a while, until Dean’s beer was almost gone and he almost fell asleep.

He took a peek at what Cas was doing.  He was flipped on Dean’s page, skimming the information and his polaroid picture.

“Look at that handsome face.”  Dean joked around, and readjusted his feet on the coffee table.  Cas chuckled and was about to turn the page, when Dean stopped him.

At the bottom corner of Dean’s page, there was another name, written in faded pencil.

_John Winchester?_

Dean pointed to the name.

“Why…?”  Dean started but faltered.  Cas looked up from his position in his lap.

“I meant to ask you, but I keep forgetting.  Who is John Winchester?”  Cas said it so matter of factly.  Dean’s mouth dried up and his stomach twisted.

“You don’t need to know.”  Dean tried to push him off but Cas was persistent.

“Like hell I don’t.”  Cas lifted his head from Deans lap.  Dean jumped up from the couch and cursed under his breath.

“I don’t want to get into this now.”  He begged, running a hand through his hair, and then ashamedly, hoped that Cas would reset soon.

“When are we going to get into it?”

“How about never!  Cas I can’t go there right now.  It’s too…   _Not today_.”  Dean raised his voice.  “It isn’t your problem, it’s mine.  So st-”

“Dean, don’t use that tone with me.”  Cas stood his ground.  “I know there is something going on.  I bet you think I forget everything don’t you?  We fucking live together now, you better wise up and stop keeping me in the dark.  Just because I forget things is _not_ a reason to keep them from me!”  Cas fists were balled, and his nose was inches away from Deans.  Once Cas realized that he was the one yelling, he backed down a bit, and tugged on Deans jacket.  “Stop this.  Just tell me.”

The angry silence seemed to fill the room.   _Fuck, fuck, fuck_ was the only thing Dean could think before he took ragged breath and led Cas to the couch.  Despite getting angry a few seconds ago, Cas was very calm and put a supportive hand on Dean's knee.  Before he started, Dean straightened his zip up hoodie.  It was the same one he wore the night they met at the bar.

“My father sent me a letter.  A few months ago.”  Dean whispered.  “He said he has prostate cancer and probably only has a year or so left.”  Dean let his voice trail off.  “He tracked me down to try and get closure with me and Sam.”

Cas meshed his fingers with Dean’s.  “I’m sorry, Dean.”  He let his palm rest against Dean’s stubble, and Dean relaxed into the touch.  “Did you…  Get yourself checked out?”  Cas asked.  Dean nodded, remembering the doctors visit he made a month ago.  “Is everything okay with you?”  Dean tried to mouth yes but he couldn’t find his voice.  He watched Cas’s shoulders relax in relief.

“That _bastard_ had it coming…”

With his thumb, Cas wiped a tear away from his cheek.  Dean hadn’t even realized his slight sobs into Cas’s hand.  
“He used to come home…”  Dean gulped a breath of air, afraid to go on.  “...  Come home drunk, and…  You have to know, I never let him lay a hand on Sammy.”  Dean looked at Cas.  He didn’t know what he was looking for, or what he found in those blue orbs, but he just let himself fall forward into Cas’s embrace.

“He blamed himself for our mother’s death.  And I drew the short stick every time.”  Dean rubbed his wrist slightly in the same spot where he broke it after an unfortunate ‘tumble down the stairs’ when he was twelve.  “You have to know, I never…”  Cas gripped him tighter, rubbing his back in small circles.  “I would never let him hurt my brother.”

Dean was thankful that Cas didn’t comment right there and then, when Dean was a wreck.  Cas just held onto him as they drifted off to sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

Dean was faintly aware of Cas’s fingers gently combing through his short hair.  He didn’t dare open his eyes for fear of waking Castiel.  Had they slept like this all night?

Dean couldn’t be sure.  He was too focused on the steady thumping in Cas’s chest.  Dean’s ear was pressed against his ribcage.  His head rose and fell with every breath Cas gave.  His legs were tangled with Dean’s underneath the couch quilt.  His fingers went for another brush through his hair before Dean lifted his head up.

Cas froze as he stared down his chest at Dean.  Dean raised his eyebrows and stared back intently.

“I didn’t forget what you told me last night…  In case you were wondering.”  Cas whispered, placing his palm on the side of Dean’s cheek.  “I made sure I wouldn’t forget.”

“Just the reminder I needed…”  Dean felt the moment slip by quickly and he sat upright, feeling dizzy as he became vertical.  He was about ready to get up when Cas gripped onto his wrist and wouldn’t let go.

“Dean, please…”  Cas’s eyes seemed to beg him.  “Talk to me.”

“Not right now.”  Dean shook his head, but sat back on the couch.

“Tell me what I can do.”  Cas reached out a gentle hand to grab all ten of Dean’s fingers in one palm.  He let himself be pulled forward into Cas’s embrace.

“Can you meet me after work?”  Dean asked, gripping onto Cas as if his life depended on it.

“Of course.  Of course.”

That day, Dean worked in silence.

Just focus, damnit.  Focus.  His thoughts seemed to scream.   The car.  The car is what you need to fix right now.  Cas…  Cancer.  The car.  Wrench.  John and Sammy.  Sammy.  Car.  Fix the c-

“-ean!  DEAN!”  Benny touched his shoulder, pointing to the clock.  “Buddy, you’re almost out of here.”   He straightened his cap, wiping his meaty palms on the towel stuffed in his back pocket.

Dean looked at the car and back at the clock.  Maybe if he looked once more, something would be different.  What he was hoping would be different, he had no idea.

“Dean.”  Benny gave him a worried look.  “Shift’s over.  Go home-you look like shit.”  Benny said.

“Unlike you.”  He joked, but Benny dragged him to the hallway behind the front desk.

“What’s gotten into you?”  Benny demanded.  “You don’t seem like yourself.”

“I’m fine, Benny.  Nothings the matter.”  Dean tried to step around Benny to get to the breakroom.  Cas was probably waiting for him by now.  Benny put a hand on his chest and pushed him back.  Dean clenched his fist to keep himself from socking him in the eye.  Suddenly, the tile pattern seemed so interesting.  The framed newspaper clippings on the wall.  Anything to avoid his glare.  “Benny, not today.”   
“Just tell me what’s on your mind.”  Benny said, brushing a hand along his stubble.  “You’re my friend.  You can’t get by me that easily.”

Dean looked up into his soft eyes, debating whether or not to spill.  He already told Cas, and talked with Sam about it.  Why was he avoiding Benny so much?  He took a deep breath in, and let it escape through his mouth.

Abruptly, Dean felt Benny lean forward and grab his face tightly with strong hands.  His lips pressed against Dean’s and Dean’s lungs stopped working, a knot working in his gut.  He felt the bristles of Benny’s stubble

As soon as Benny pulled away, Dean was still in the same spot, his body rigid.  Afraid to breath, Dean swallowed hard.

“I’ve been waiting to do that for a while...”  Benny smiled and exhaled so close, Dean could feel his breath on his cheek.  He felt Benny reach for his hands, pulling them closer.  He wanted more than anything to yank his hands away, but they moved with the motion, as if they had a mind of their own.

“Say something.”

“Oh my God.”  Those three words jolted Dean from his trance and he turned his head to the speaker.

Of all the people to witness this, Castiel Novak, with his mouth agape watched the two with the most broken look from the front desk.

“Cas.”  Dean breathed, reaching out to him, but Cas covered his mouth with the end of his sweater sleeve and ran out the door.  Dean lurched forward, grabbing the wall for help when his legs seemed to wobble.  Benny steadied him but Dean shrugged him off.

“Cas!”  He called out, pushing through the glass door, and jogged into the parking lot.  Cas was slumped against his truck, fumbling with his keys.  His hands were shaking so much he almost dropped them, but grabbed them before they hit the floor.

“Cas, wait.”  Dean called after him, hoping to God he would wait for just a second.  “Cas, stop.  Let me explain, listen for a moment.”  He looked behind him, seeing Benny in the threshold of the autobody shop.  Rufus and Bobby were now watching through the near window.  He turned his attention from his little audience to Cas.

“No.”  Cas stopped, his keys hanging out of the lock on the truck door.  “You listen to me, Dean Winchester.”  His voice was stern, but Dean knew Cas to well.  He could hear right through the confidence and Cas’s words were shaking in the air between them.  The tension was killing him, the air seemed stale and he couldn’t get a complete breath.

“Dean Winchester.”  He said his name once more.  “How could I be such a fool?  To think we could be together.  To think someone would actually  want me.”

“I do want you, Cas.”  Dean managed through his shaking lungs.   
“You are a  lying  son of a bitch.  Has all of this been fake to you?  None of it real?  I saw you with him.  For all I know, this could’ve been going on for a while!”  Cas yanked the door open, wiping a tear away from his cheek.  “I can’t do this anymore.  I need to get away for a while.”

“Cas, I-”  Dean took a weary step forward, but Cas flung something at him.  Dean ducked and heard pages of his memory book flutter to the ground, laying open on the concrete.

With a sharp tug, the truck door closed and Cas forcefully started the engine.  Dean tripped over his own feet as he ran for the truck, feeling as if his life was ending right here, right now.

“Open the door!”  Dean yelled, yanking on the handle.  Cas stepped on the gas, and the old truck lurched forward, leaving Dean to desperately cling to the window, leaving greasy fingerprints on the glass.  “Cas!”  He yelled again, pounding on the bed as he ran alongside, out of the parking lot.

Dean’s breath was a sharp, cold, and painful inhale as Cas pulled out into traffic, leaving him on the sidewalk, his hands in his hair.

His hands were shaking, and his knees felt like rubber as he dashed back into the parking lot.  He snatched the memory book, frantically shoving papers back into the pages.  The pages were completely out of order, but as long as they were all there, Cas wouldn’t mind.

Dean pushed off from the ground, running past Benny not even giving him a second look.   One thing at a time .   Deal with one thing at a time.

He dashed into the break room, unlocking his locker and grabbing everything.  He started sorting his keys for the Impala’s as he clumsily jogged down the hallway of the autobody shop.

As he got closer to the door, Benny stood in front of the window with his arms crossed.

“What are you doing?”  Benny asked with a dejected look.  Dean gripped onto the memory book, pulling it closer to his chest.

** “The right thing.”  And he shoved the door open, stepping into the light. **


	10. Chapter 10

It was like a bitter game of cat and mouse.  Except the mouse wasn’t answering his phone, and the cat was looking in all the wrong places.

Dean had frantically tore through their house, a mixed ball of silent crying and muffled screaming.

He had scrambled to Anna’s Pancake House, bursting through the kitchen despite the cooks and waiters trying to hold him back.

Dean called Anna, asking for Cas and whether or not her brother came by.  By the end of that conversation, Anna probably hated his guts but he wasn’t concerned with that just yet.

He even skidded into the parking lot of their favorite park by the river, but there was no sign of him.

He called Sam, trying to stay calm when Bobby John answered the phone.

“Buddy, it’s Uncle Dean, I need to talk with your Dad.  Is he there?”  Dean asked, gripping the phone with two hands.

“Yeah, just a second.”  Bobby John said.  Dean listened so intently, he could hear his footsteps on the other line, pounding up the stairs.

“Daddy, here you go.”   Dean could clearly make out the sounds now.

“Hey, I’m a little busy right now.”   Sam’s voice was steady in the background.

“With what?”  Dean wished Bobby John would hurry up.  He didn’t know why he was calling Sam, but he needed to hear a familiar voice, maybe tell him Cas would show up eventually.

“Work stuff…  Who is calling?”

“Uncle Dean.  He really wants to talk to you.”

“Hello?”

“Sammy, I need help.”  Dean started.  “I-...  Cas is…”  He paused, and realized he didn’t plan what to say.  How was he going to tell his brother that his best friend kissed him in front of his boyfriend?  He swore to have no chick flick moments, and he wasn’t going to start now.

“Dean?”  Sam’s voice started loud.  “Dean, talk to me.”

He gasped as he leaned his head back in the Impala, clasping his hand over his mouth to keep the watery sobs inside.  He slowly spilled the entire story as Sam listened intently.

“What am I going to do without him?  What am I going to do when I see him?”

“You’ll know what to do.”  Sam said.  “You always know what to do.”

Sam stayed on the line for a few more minutes, coaxing the eldest Winchester as best he could.  Dean listened intently as he sat in the Impala, knee bouncing next to the brake pedal.

His phone vibrated in his hand, and Dean looked at the screen.

His heart pounded when Cas’s name flashed on the screen.  His picture in his phone was of them at the beach.  Dean snapped the picture at the perfect moment.  Cas’s sunglasses were reflecting the sunshine and the wind blew his hair to the side, and the ice cold waves crashed up against his legs.  It was a cold trip to the beach, but it they recorded every minute of it.

“Sam, it’s him.”  He said into the mic before hanging up.  He took the other call and lifted it to his ear.

“Cas?”  It seemed like a whisper.  It seemed like he waited forever for his angel to answer back.

“...  D-Dean?  Where are you?”  Even on the other side, Cas’s voice seemed so small.

“I’m in-it doesn’t really matter.  Cas I’m so sorry, you have to know that.”

“What are you talking about?”  Dean could almost imagine his head tilt like he does so many times.  He could almost imagine Cas, breathless and confused.  Like he always is when he resets.

“I’ll explain later.”  Dean rushes.  “Just tell me where you are.”

“I don’t exactly know.  I was driving, and then I blacked out and pulled into a rest stop.”  Cas stuttered.  “But I’ve been sitting with this kind lady.  She might know.”  Before Dean could say anything more, a new voice came through the speaker.

“Hello, Dean?  Are you there, dear?  I’ve heard so much about you.”  It was the calm voice of an elderly woman.

“Who are you?”

“Me and my husband met Castiel when we stopped at the rest stop.”  She explained.  “We’re off exit 86 Eastbound on Highway 14.  We’ll stay with him until you get here, we promise.”   
“Tell me what happened.”  Dean demanded as he turned the Impala on, pulling out of the parking lot of the park.  He started racing down the street, towards the highway as the old woman explained what they saw.  Cas sloppily parked in the rest stop, got out of the car, and collapsed in the grass as he emptied his stomach.  The kind woman explained how she calmed him down and bought him some food and water from the vending machine.   
“I’m going to stay with him until you come.”  She promised again.

“He get’s confused, please just tell him to stay put.  I’m on my way.”  Dean hung up and floored it as he turned onto the highway.

****  
  
  


The sun was starting to set when the Impala pulled off on exit 86.  Dean saw Cas’s truck and pulled up next to it.  On a nearby picnic table, Cas was sitting with his back towards Dean.  He faced the elderly couple as they talked intently to each other.

“Cas!”  He yelled.  “Cas, I’m-”  He started forward but stopped as soon as he saw his body pivot on the bench.  A brilliant smile spread across Cas’s face as he jumped up and started running towards Dean.

The only thing he could do was reach out for Cas, wanting desperately to cling onto every fiber of his sweater, run his hands through his dark hair, and feel his smooth hands in his own.

“Dean!”  Cas wrapped his arms around his waist, and Dean clutched around his shoulders.  His fists clenched, he held Cas tight to his chest.  “Take me home, please.  I don’t know what happened, I just want to go home.”

Dean buried his nose into Cas’s shoulder.  He felt Cas’s knuckles grip onto his jacket zipper, balling the fabric into his fist.   
“I can’t tell you how happy I am right now.”  Dean’s entire body was almost shaking with relief.  “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry Cas.”

Cas pulled away from the embrace and put his hands on either side of his face.   
“Tell me.”  He demanded, brushing his thumb across the tear that threatened to fall from Dean’s cheek.  “I don’t care what you did, just tell me.”

Dean hung his head, but Cas pulled his chin up.

“Dean.”

“Benny kissed me.”  Dean mumbled through shaking lips.  Cas’s eye twitched but other than that, he refused to show emotion.  “It caught me by surprise and I had no idea it was going to happen, you have to believe me.  I only want you.  Cas, please.  You are the only one I love.  I love you so much.”  He stared at Cas, pleading for forgiveness.  His blue eyes seemed to pierce into Dean’s head.  After a few seconds, Cas’s expression softened as he held his strong grip on either side of his face.

“I believe you.”  Cas whispered through his breath.

“I’m so sorry.”  Dean said again, his eyes fluttering shut against Cas’s hair.  As Dean clutched onto Cas, it felt like he was whole again.  His other half was here with him and the relief he felt was real.

“Thank you for telling me the truth.”  Cas’s expression was very stern.  “I have been lied to before because they know I will forget.  Thank you.”

Cas leaned in and kissed Dean hard.   
The many seconds of pure bliss they had was interrupted by a gentle and soft clap.  The elderly couple watched the whole thing, and smiled at both of them.  As did everyone else at the rest stop.  Cas turned, pressing his body into Dean’s side while hugging his waist and pulled him forward to the picnic bench.  Dean threw his arm around Cas’s shoulder and followed.

They said thank you to the old man and woman, wishing them luck with their travel.   
“You two are a different kind of love.”  The woman said, as she pulled her fleece jacket tighter against the slight breeze.  “It’s beautiful.”

Dean kissed the side of Cas’s head and returned to their separate cars.


	11. Chapter 11

Months later

****  
  


It was the worst night of his life.  That’s what he remembers about February 7th.

The pool cue rested between Benny’s beefy fingers.  It slid through nicely, letting the solids and stripes knock against each other.  That was another thing Cas could remember about February 7th.  How easy Dean and Benny made it look when they took a swig of beer, and kept their hands steady on the velvety table.  God, Dean’s fingers were so nimble with the 

I love you .  Cas mouthed to Dean.  He pulled a chair up to watch the game, or Dean.  Whichever was more captivating.

“This one’s for you, Castiel.”  Dean said, and focused his attention on a striped ball that was set up for the perfect angle.  He looked so hot.  That was something else Cas remembered about that night.  Dean’s cheekbones were illuminated in the dimly lit bar.  He green eyes were radiant and his hair was straggly from working at the shop all day.  Sam’s amulet hung low on his chest, and his green jacket was so fitting on his broad, strong shoulders.

Then Cas lost track of time.  They were saying goodbye to Benny, and they stood out in the cold.

February 7th was a bad day to stand out in the cold.  Bone chilling cold.  Cas didn’t like to swear, but it was so  fucking cold that night.

He remembered the way Dean pressed him up against the car, his lips were tender as he kissed him, gently at first, and then getting more aggressive and forceful.  He felt Dean’s knee force it’s way between his legs, moving higher, his hands moving lower on his chest.  Cas remembered reaching into his jacket, moving his hands under Dean’s shirt, feeling his bare chest.

He was so happy.  He was so happy there.

“I want you, Cas.”  He muttered.  “I want you so bad.”

“Let’s go home then, shall we?”  Cas’s breath clouded up in the atmosphere.  Dean pecked a kiss on the tip of his nose.  It was numb as he pulled on the sleeves of his sweater.

“Look at the sky.”  Dean pointed up, and pulled Cas closer to his hip.  Suddenly, little white flakes started sticking to his eyelashes.  Dean’s hair started to whiten with snow.

“Why is my life so perfect?”  Cas asked, pressing another kiss on the side of Dean’s head.

Later, he had to remind himself why they took separate cars.  Dean had just gotten off work at the shop.  Cas met him at the bar on his way home from Anna’s house.  Maybe Cas should have pulled him into his truck, and held him close for another few minutes.

They parted ways, and Cas started his truck.  He pulled out first and turned the windshield wipers on, clearing the dusting of snow off his vision.  The Impala headlights pulled out behind him, flashing in his rearview mirror.  Cas started leading his way home, Dean following behind.

February 7th was a bad day to drive while it was snowing.

Because it only started snowing harder.  Heavier and faster.  The fluff started sticking to to road.  Before long, it was going to start freezing over.  If it hadn’t already.

Cas started the long winding road to their house.  The Impala faithfully followed behind, and even with the snow he took each corner with ease.   
The next few seconds happened without warning.  There were a pair of headlights around the corner, a screech of tires, and Cas was sure that was the end of him.  Except he yanked on the wheel, sending the car skidding safely into the ditch.

The airbag hadn’t gone off but a sharp pain seemed to spring through his chest.  With his eyes barely open, Cas rubbed his shoulder where the seatbelt tore into his flesh.  It hurt like a son of a bitch, but Cas managed to unbuckle his belt.

Once he was able to realize he was alive, he searched for his flashlight which he always kept in the glove box.  He shoved the door open, letting his body tumble onto the frosty concrete.

He suddenly has a bad feeling.  There should be light.  More light than just the empty vortex of night and snow.   Where did the Impala headlights go?   He asked himself.

Cas frantically smacked his palm against the flashlight.  The small beam led him down the road.  His eyes started getting used to the dark and things started to come into focus.

Glass shattered underneath his toes.

Then the Impala came into view.

Cas caught his breath as he looked at the once sleek car.  The driver’s side was crumpled and glass was cracked everywhere.  The car had spun around and lay still in the middle of the lanes.

Cas paid no attention to the other driver, whose car was smoking against the telephone pole, sparks danced around the trunk, the wire broken and trailing across the roadway.

“Dean?”  His clammy hands were involuntarily shaking.  “Dean, please.”  He slowly approached the driver’s window, which had shattered into the interior of the car.  Dean’s body had slumped into the passenger seat.  Blood was splattered on the steering wheel and dashboard.

“No, no, no...”  Cas repeated as he yanked the passenger door open, leaning in.  He touched Dean’s shoulder, brushing off glass shards.

He remembered the way he crawled in to reach over Dean’s unconscious body for the seat belt.  He remembered how he screamed Dean’s name, inches from his face, but his desperate pleas barely reached his other half.

Cas managed to pull him out of the car and propped him against the Impala, sitting up, and he held his head in his palm.  His skin was a pale shade of white with blood stains.  A deep gash in his forehead seemed to be barely holding together, blood seeping down into the corners of his nose and into his open mouth.  Cas could remember the blood sticking to his fingers, making little red fingerprints everywhere.  “Dean, please.  Please, I need you.  I can’t do this without you.”

His initial thought was not to call an ambulance, which would fill him with guilt for years, but to make sure Dean was warm.  He pulled his limp body into a tight embrace, and shivered with him.  Keeping his arms tightly wound around Dean’s chest, Cas rocked back and forth, singing Dean’s favorite Beatles song, Hey Jude.

Time jumped around for Cas.  One time, someone pulled Castiel off Dean, kicking and screaming he finally let go, going limp in someone else’s arms.  

Another time, he was pulled into the ambulance and pushed into the corner as the people busied their hands around his other half.

“My name is Tessa and I’m going to help you.  First, can you tell me what your name is?”   
“I don’t know.”  Cas said, scratching at his hands, caked with blood.

“What happened?”

“Is he going to be alright?”

“I don’t know yet.  Do you want to help?”  The woman’s voice said.  Cas looked up at her, then glancing at the other person in paramedics uniform.  His gloved hands were squeezing a plastic bottle which was covering Dean’s nose and mouth.

“Yes.”  He answered.

Castiel must have talked with a million people, but all he could focus on right now was his muddy sneakers.  He gripped the sides of the plastic chair in the ER waiting room as he twisted his ankles in circles.

He would look up every so often and stare into the eyes of a young girl with flaming red hair.  They were braided and lay on her chest.  She wore a shirt which seemed to be referencing Harry Potter.  But Cas couldn’t be sure, so he’d go back to looking at his shoes, wondering why he was here.  But he was too afraid to ask, seeing all the blood on his clothes.  So if he sat quietly for a while, maybe someone would come and get him.

“Castiel!”

He jerked his head up and Sam and Jessica skidded through the doors, dashing towards him.

“Sam!  Jess!”  Cas stood up and reached out for their touch.

“Are you alright?”  Jess asked.  Cas could feel Sam staring at the blood that stained his hands.

“I’m fine.  What’s going on?”  Cas asked, worriedly.  Jess and Sam gave him a blank look.  “What are you not telling me?”

“You called us, not twenty minutes ago.”  Jess took his hand and braced his shoulder with the other.  “You and Dean were in a car accident.  Do you remember anything?”

Cas grimaced and lowered his head, looking at all the blood.  Dean’s blood.  He swallowed a sob and squeezed his eyes shut, blocking out all the white lights.

“Yes.  Yes, I remember now.”  He muttered.  Jess quickly hugged him, and pulled the two men on either side of her.  She seemed to be the stable one, even though she was on the brink of tears.  The boys were with the neighbors and they rushed to the hospital, Sam a nervous wreck the entire way.

After a few more agonizing minutes, a doctor approached the three of them.  As soon as he asked, “Family of Dean Winchester?”, they seemed to stop wilting into the chairs.

They stood up quickly to meet him and Cas held onto the sleeves of his shirt.  Sam gripped onto Jess’ arm to steady himself.

The tall doctor straightened his white coat and urged them to follow him and they exited to the nearest hallway.  Cas looked back at the waiting room and the young girl sitting across from him raised her hand.  Her fingers were split into three groups.

Star wars?   Cas thought and he copied her gesture back at her before disappearing through the doors.  Cas walked briskly behinds Sam, Jess, and the balding doctor.  He was talking very quickly, throwing various of medical terms out which Cas regretfully ignored.  Finally, towards the end of the hall, all four of them stopped by room 124.

The doctor let them in and when Castiel saw his love laying on the bed, his heart shattered in a million of pieces.

Dean was lying so still on the scratchy sheets, tubes and wires running everywhere.  He looked so small under the blanket and Cas shuddered when he he looked at the ventilator that was shoved down his throat.  A thick bandage covered the gash that was on his head and Castiel wished more than anything that he could kiss his pains away.

“Did you catch any of what the doctor was saying, Cas?”  Jess asked, rubbing her hand up his jacket.  His fingers were milimeters from Dean’s, but for some reason he was hesitant to hold them.

“Not really.”  Cas admitted.

“Would you like me to tell you?”

“Not really.”  He finally had the nerve to intertwine his fingers with Dean’s.  Jess was silent for a moment before she sat Cas down in the nearest chair.

“You should hear it.”  Jess had the softest voice, even though Cas could hear the trembling in her voice.  She was barely keeping it together.

“Dean.  He’s in a coma.”  Another shot in the chest.  But she kept going, wiping her eyes.  “The machines are breathing for him and…  They declared him braindead.  They don’t have much hope about his condition improving.  So, we have a choice.”

From the other side of the bed, Sam stiffened.  Cas glanced at him.  Sam was sitting in another chair, watching Dean’s peaceful face.  He held onto his older brother’s hand, rubbing circles on Dean’s palm with his thumb.  Tears began to spill from the silent man.

“What’s the choice?”  Cas choked out.

“Whether or not to keep him on life support.”  Jess sniffled and went to go comfort her husband, kneeling next to his side.

****  
  
  
  


The choice was made.  There was no going back.

Cas tried to understand exactly what was going to happen when they turned the machines off and took out the ventilator.  Dean was the only thing tying himself to Earth.  It could be a matter of minutes or hours before his body gave up.

Cas teetered on the edge of his hospital chair, his clammy hand clinging onto Dean.  Sam and Jess were on the other side of the bed.

Jess kept shifting positions, her blonde hair kept getting in her face, and the bright white lights gave her hair an oily look that wasn’t flattering.  Her eyes were puffy and dark.

Sam was putting on a brave face.  His stoic posture was unmoving, except when he glanced at Jess, at Cas, then back at Dean.

“It was the right choice.”  Sam broke the silence and shifted in his chair.  “He wouldn’t want to be hooked to all those machines.  He wouldn’t.”  Cas nodded and wiped his cheeks dry for the thousandth time that night.

Cas leaned forward and got close to his Dean’s sleeping face.

“I love you.  It’s okay.  I’ll do my best to go on.  Without you.”  He blinked tears onto the pillows below as he whispered into his ear.  “Let go.”  His breath was hot against his cheek.  He turned to kiss the side of Dean’s head ever so gently.

When he went back to sit in the chair, Cas heard the heart monitor flatline.  That noise seemed to drown him in a crushing weight, knowing that he was once again alone.


	12. Chapter 12

“I want to start a family.”  Cas said one night at dinner.  Both Cas and Dean sat opposite each other and Cas watched him intently.

Regretting it immediately, Cas clapped his hand over his mouth.  He had been thinking about their future a lot lately.  He didn’t know what Dean had planned, all he knew was he wanted to be with him for eternity.  Cas tossed and turned in bed for many nights, wondering how he should tell Dean.

Dean sighed and tilted his head, looking at his mashed potatoes and steak.  The utensils clinked against the plate as he laid them down, all parallel to each other.

“I want…  To start a family.”  Cas whispered again.  Dean just stared at the tablecloth, running his fingertips over the plaid pattern.  Cas felt as if he had to explain himself.

“I want to start a family.  I know you don’t think you’re good with kids but look at your beautiful nephews!   And I know we aren’t exactly the ideal family in everyone's eyes and we aren’t married but I think we’d be good paren-”

“Then let’s get married.”  Dean interrupted.  “Let’s get married and I want to have as many kids as you want.  We can have a big family in this little house.  Or we could get a bigger house.”  He stood up and walked into the kitchen.  Cas heard him rummage through drawers, talking about children, grandchildren, and other future plans.

When he entered through the threshold, he walked around to Castiel’s side of the table, kneeling down on one knee.  He took one of Cas’s hands in his, rough and smooth fingers intertwined together.

“Castiel Novak.  I can’t think of anything I want to do more right now that ask for you to be with me.  With me through thick and thin, sickness and health and all that shit.  I don’t do chick flick moments, but I’ll do them for you.”  Cas blinked through the tears that clouded his eyes.  Dean opened his mouth to ask  the  question, but Cas cut him off with a bear hug, nestling his head into Dean’s shoulder.

“I take that as a yes?”  Dean chuckled, wrapping his arms around his middle.  Cas nodded and pulled back to look at his fiance.  Dean reached up to wipe a tear away from Cas’s cheek and he felt his cheeks flush with warmth.

Dean’s rough palm reached for Cas’s finger and he started fitting a zip tie around his ring finger, tugging the end so it was nice and comfortable.

Cas threw his arms around Dean's neck, hugging him desperately. 

"You're gonna make a great parent" Cas said every night from then on even though Dean wasn't thoroughly convinced. 

We had our entire life planned out .  Castiel thought as he tugged on the parking brake. He stepped out of the car and embraced the wind chill with a bouquet of flowers.

Even though he knew the wind would eventually blow it around, he adjusted his tie and pulled his trench coat tighter.  He started to walk up the all too familiar hillside, following the beaten path.  Just as he passed over a slight slope, he started walking onto the grass, still fresh with rain from that morning.

Eventually he made it to the all too familiar slab of stone embedded into the ground.

Dean Winchester

1979-2013

“Hello, Dean.”  Cas started, trying to get past the lump in his throat.  He shuffled in front of the gravesite, passing the flowers into his other hand.

“It was Henry’s birthday a few days ago.  He and Bobby John have grown so much.  And school is starting soon...”  Cas rolled his head to one side and took another long shaky breath.  “Bobby John is learning how to play the trumpet.   Causing quite a racket in that little house.”  He chuckled, thinking of his visit to Sam and his family last week.  Bobby John blasted out as many notes as he could, while Cas patiently listened to each screeching melody.

“I miss you, Dean.”  A tear rolled down his cheek but he forgot to wipe it away.  “I miss you everyday.  Sam misses you, and so does Jess.  When last talked to Bobby he said his new employee doesn’t do good work, like you did.  Benny and I go out every Sunday still though.  Sometimes we play pool, sometimes he just gets really drunk and doesn’t talk much.”

Cas looked down the line at the gravesites.  A few graves down, one tombstone stood tall with decaying flowers.  The petals wilted on the grass, and the stems started twisting with the wind.

“Give me a moment.”  Cas held up a finger to Dean’s stone.

Slowly, he walked over and looked at the flowers.  They were stood up in a vase and were holding down a homemade card with a child’s handwriting scribbled all over.   I love you, mommy! Cas pulled out a red rose from his hand and laid it on Gertrude Middleton’s grave, hoping someone was going to come to replace the flowers.

Cas returned to Dean’s plot, and stared at the green grass as the minutes passed.

“I wish I could just reset.  Everything would be back to normal, and I could wake up next to you.”  Cas tightened his grasp on the flowers wrapped up in plastic.  “These are for you.”  He said, laying them down next to Dean’s name.  He picked up his old flowers from last week and tucked them in his arm.

“I’m going to the adoption agency tomorrow morning.”  Cas felt his chest flutter and tighten.  He couldn’t decide whether that feeling was excitement or anxiety.  “I’ll let you know how it turns out.”

“I won’t forget you, I promise.”  Cas whispered as he faced the wind chill which was pushing him back toward Dean.

“Goodnight.  I’ll see you next week.” **  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all who reviewed! This was my first story for ao3 and I think it went well :D anyways, I hope you enjoyed it and all that good stuff. Remember you are beautiful and amazing and I hope you have a good life! Bye Bye!


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